We’d left things with a decision to meet again, and a few weeks after our first meeting, I was going to be in DC for work. I planned on staying through the weekend and going to the company Christmas party, so I invited him. He’s officially gone to more of my company parties than people I actually work with.
He got there Saturday afternoon, and from Saturday to Sunday, when we weren’t talking about DC landmarks, we talked about work. Again and again and again. I was so bored I thought my eyes would roll out of my head.
I also decided I wasn’t going to bring up anything important – I wanted to see if he wanted to bring it up, or at least learn more about my past. I still have questions about his, and just generally, I wanted to see if we could have a relaxed conversation about all things in life.
Nope. We cannot.
We do similar work, so I understand why it’s an easy fallback, but really – I have more chemistry with Lincoln’s statue than I do with him. We don’t laugh a lot when we’re together, we don’t chat about anything of substance, and when we do, we don’t agree.
As we drove through DC, there was homeless outreach going on and I said something to the effect of “That’s so nice” and he said something to the effect of “They should get a job.”
I almost lost it. I did go off a bit on him about the reasons homelessness exist in this country and how there’s no safety net and how it’s so hard to get out of once you’re in it, but I don’t know that he cared. I also don’t think it makes him a bad person, but it’s not how *I* think. I told my parents he said that and even they were incredulous. My mom’s response was “What address would they even give for a job?” EXACTLY MOM.
Then, we had a ridiculous conversation about kids playing sports. I have to read up on kids/sports/injuries for work and said that with all the information coming out around TBI (traumatic brain injury) and CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) I wouldn’t want my nieces or nephews playing a sport where the potential long term effects aren’t known yet, or they’re known but aren’t widely studied. You only have one brain, man. Keep it as sharp as you can for as long as you can. That’s my take.
His take was, “Well, I wouldn’t say no if my kid wanted to play. It’s their choice.”
My response to that was, “That’s why you’re the parent. Because you’re supposed to know better than a 7 year old.”
When I mentioned this to some friends, their response was, “Yeah, that’s why you see kids of these FOB parents running around all over the place with no discipline!”
And they’re right. There’s a fundamental difference that I can’t pinpoint, but even my sister’s seen it – she has fobby friends who are very sweet, but the kids, who were born here. OMG. Hellions. No structure, no guidance, no bedtimes, no nothing… they do whatever they want. And it’s an epidemic.
Anyway, he dropped me at the airport. Had our awkward side hug (oh, he stayed in the hotel room next to me. Not even a kiss goodnight after the party.) to say goodbye.
Since then? No calls. Just stupid texts: “How you doing? How’s work? My work is busy.”
I’m pretty much done and just need to call it. I think he is too. But I also think we have zero other options. BLAH.
A few months ago, my cousin introduced me to a new guy: me and this guy are the same age, we do extremely similar work, and we’re the same type of Indian. Basically on paper it looks like a match. I said I’d talk to him, even knowing he’s divorced (really, being divorced doesn’t bother me, but I do want to know why the marriage didn’t work.)
So we started chatting on the phone. The same inane conversations I always have with these guys: “So, how’s work? What’d you do for dinner? Do you like to cook? What kind of food do you like to make?”
The usual interview questions for the position of wife and CEO of the household.
But, he did seem genuinely nice and it’s not like I’m getting any younger, so I agreed to meet him. We hadn’t talked about ANYTHING important on the phone, but he offered to come down and visit me and we agreed on last weekend.
And, to his credit, before coming down, he even made dinner reservations on Saturday night at a super swanky place I’d been wanting to try. Initiative!
And, also to his credit, I took him to a work party after I picked up him from the airport (yup, our first time meeting in person and the first activity was with 20 coworkers) and he did great! He was nice and chatty. Friendly!
And, also also to his credit, he paid for everything all weekend. He even tried to buy me a piece of art I spotted in downtown though I wouldn’t let him. I offered to pay each time, since he flew down and had to get a hotel room too, but he wouldn’t let me. He even brought me earrings as a birthday gift. Generous!
So even with all these great things, he is FOB and with being a FOB comes the FOB love.
FOB love is what me and my friends call the overbearing, overwhelming, almost desperate behavior of Indian guys (from India) when it comes to women. There is no playing it cool or any games, which is great, but there is this never ending barrage of trying to help when no help is needed, or thinking that just buying things makes a relationship.
I sound like a bitch, which I am, but there’s no way to explain how irritating this is because it sounds great, right? Like who doesn’t want a guy that’s so concerned and helpful and generous? But it can be so smothering.
There were a lot of little things, but the best example is when I was dropping him off at the airport on Sunday. I was chatting about flying for Thanksgiving and how I thought ticket prices would be expensive and out of nowhere, he goes, “I have like 50,000 skymiles I’m not using. You can have them.”
My response: “Um… no. Look, we’re not dating. We’re not anything. We just met for the first time. I don’t want your skymiles, I have my own. I appreciate it, but no.”
I know that I sound ungrateful. But here’s the problem: I think he thinks buying me things (dinners, birthday gift, lunches, offering me skymiles) makes a relationship. It doesn’t.
We only talked ONCE about his divorce, and that’s because I brought it up. And of course, everything he said blamed her. Which, maybe it was mostly her fault, but as my mom says, “it takes two hands to clap.” I just never heard what the other hand did.
And we wouldn’t even have had that conversation if it was up to him. We didn’t talk about any other relationships (mine or his); we didn’t talk about sex; we didn’t talk about friends; we didn’t talk about family; we didn’t talk about anything of fucking substance. He has no idea about my past. And I don’t know about his. So I don’t want to be treated like a girlfriend when we’re not even really friends.
We chatted again today and it was the same stupid shit. “How was your day? What’s for dinner? Are you ready to travel?” It’s like the conversation never moves forward.
But that said, I did tell him that I thought we should meet again because I had more questions for him and he should have questions for me.
So we’re going to get together in a few weeks again.
So my vibrant neighbor moved on from her first online dating disaster pretty quickly. She met a new guy on match (her age, 75), had had her first date with him and when we were chatting about it, she told me she was thinking of moving in with him after the holidays.
Neighbor: “At my age, when you know, you just know. I don’t have time to waste and neither does he.”
Me: “Wow! That’s awesome!”
Me internally: WOW. Should I be thinking this way? It’s not like I’m getting any younger. Am I too picky? God dammit…. I am.
Neighbor: “I’m so glad I gave him another chance.”
Me: “Wait… what?”
Neighbor: “On our first date he showed up drunk, and he sent me email after email apologizing. I decided to give him a second chance.”
Me: “Oh… wow. Um…. that’s great!”
Me internally: And *there* is the kicker. Should I warn her? That’s such a red flag. But… No she won’t believe me. And I’m cynical. Maybe it’ll work out.
A week later, I ran into her outside and asked about her man.
Turned out they’d gone for a walk and he couldn’t keep up – he was hunched over, huffing and puffing, and generally acting old which totally turned her off. She’d ended it with him by just saying she didn’t think they were compatible.
Well it turns out their age really does not fucking matter.
He emailed her to say he thought she was horrible AND WRINKLY and not pretty enough for him.
She didn’t respond.
So he emailed her again every day for the next week begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance.
She didn’t respond.
I was chatting with my downstairs neighbor who’s 75 years young. She is so vivacious and awesome. She has adult children, still works a full time job and decided she’s been single for long enough (by choice) that she decided to get on Match.
She had a date with an 80 year old guy. First date went well and they set up their next one. Their second date was near his birthday – she took him a bottle of wine, they sat outside on his deck and watched the sun set on the river ($$$), and they went to one of the best restaurants in town.
I saw her a couple of days after their second date, and she hadn’t heard from him. She texted him “Happy Birthday” and wished him well. No response. Five days later and she hadn’t heard from.
SHE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN!!!! AND… WE CAN’T EVEN JOKE HE DIED. Because you know… he may have (but really, I think he’s just an 80 year old douche).
Anyway, it really does not matter their fucking age. Assholes are assholes, whether their bodies are amazing or wrinkly. It just never gets better.
So, clearly my dating/love life journey is going nowhere and I just have to come to terms with that. I may be alone forever. Oh well.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not irritated by other people’s seeming success. I know someone who is lazy and generally useless, and divorced because of those two reasons. From Facebook, it’s clear he’s dating some new girl who must have the hookup because he’s been at sold-out concerts and tennis tournaments.
AND HE IS OVER 40, LIVES WITH HIS FAMILY AND DOESN’T HAVE A JOB… so there’s no way he’s paying for this shit. He can’t be. If I find out he is through his funding mechanism (aka, his Dad), I’ll update this. But for now, I think either she’s paying or she works at a job where she gets free tickets, because they’re always in the VIP areas.
WTF. JUST WTF.
I can’t get a proper dinner. He gets VIP access to Drake? ARGH ARGH ARGH.
So last week, Thursday, I called home and my mom gave me an email address from a matrimonial ad in the paper. It was the usual, “40 year old doctor, innocently divorced, seeking suitable match.”
“Make sure you right today. It’s Thursday – it’s a good day.”
As soon as she said that, all I could think was how does she still believe??? I sent my med school applications on a ‘good day’, I’m not a doctor. I have sent countless emails to these guys on ‘good days,’ I’m not married yet. I’ve done so many things on ‘good days’ and it doesn’t fucking matter one single iota.
But she does believe, and so I emailed this innocent divorcee on a good day, knowing full well I’ll never hear back.
She asked me today if I got an email back and I kind of giggled and said,
“No Mommy. There’s not going to be one.”
And she let out this heavy sigh and goes,
“Why are they so dumb? Why do they put an ad in the paper if they don’t really want to write to anyone? They should AT LEAST write back and say they’re not interested.”
Yes! I agree! Be slightly professional about it! I mean, I seriously doubt this dude is getting so many flipping emails that he can’t keep up. But what I do think is probably happening is that he is getting at least a few responses from women that are 10-15 years younger than me, and that’s probably more appealing than a 38 year old.
Even though I would be a suitable match.
Today, I got a message on bumble from some white guy who did the usual blah blah blah and then, out of nowhere, says, “I like your color!!”
So I guess the thing is, I’m not surprised – clearly I expect guys who aren’t Indian to self-select in dating someone who isn’t whatever color they are. But I don’t expect it to come out so fetishized.
I didn’t respond right away, so a few hours later I got another message from him that asked, “Was I too eager?”
I finally had a chance to reply and just said that his comment about color threw me, and I’d never had anyone say that to me before ever meeting. He then goes on to say, “I just like darker girls!”
And then BECAUSE THIS IS ALL I HAVE NOW … I found myself thinking, “Well, at least he’s already attracted to me. Maybe this could be ok.”
Because, though I haven’t blogged about them, I did have a bunch of first dates that were SO BORING. They were all Indian guys, who I’m sure wanted to go out with me because I’m Indian, so how is this any different? Would it be reverse discrimination if I didn’t go out with this White Guy with a Fetish??
I don’t know anymore.