currylove

It began and ended on fucking Facebook

Posted on: January 6, 2012

We started on Facebook… I guess it’s only fitting we ended there.

The beginning was innocent… In June 2010, I thought I was just adding a cute boy I’d met on a flight.  I thought at the very most, if I was ever in England/Scotland/Somewhere-land, we could meet up for a pint or two. I didn’t know I had ‘snuggled up’ to him ‘mid-flight’ (his words). I didn’t know he’d restrained himself from kissing my forehead as I slept on him. I didn’t think we’d chat monthly, then weekly, then daily, then back to weekly and then not at all, over the course of a year. I didn’t know that when I told him I had a naughty dream about him in January 2011 that it would lead to him admitting the same thing, and that would lead to us being more open and that would lead to us falling in love. And I didn’t know that by Christmas 2011, he’d be done with me and not have the balls to tell me at least on the phone – and that he would use FB chat to tell me he didn’t want me anymore, but not actually do anything about it.

He broke my heart. And he did it on chat so he wouldn’t have to hear me cry or beg or say that I love him. He didn’t want to deal with me anymore and used the easiest way out that he had. I have no respect for that — all I ever asked was for honesty. That’s all I wanted, the whole time, and it was the one thing I never got. But, I guess that’s my fault – how could a boy who fell in love with someone while he still had a girlfriend be honest about anything? And how could I have been stupid enough to expect it?

When we first got serious we would have discussions about the future and in the near immediate future, I would ask him to not be with other girls – and I would feel bad, because I was nothing to him – I wasn’t his girlfriend, he had one of those. I wasn’t his mistress, we weren’t in the same city. I was nothing definable… and yet it was always him, when I tried to hold back, who would say, “Aren’t we past that? Don’t you know how I feel?”  Every time I tried to be realistic in my expectations, he would tell me exactly what I wanted to hear – “I don’t want you to be with anyone else either. I love you only, I don’t want to be with her.”  Every fucking time. I would try to temper what I requested from him, and he would always make it seem I didn’t have to. Somewhere near the beginning, I told him we didn’t have to chat everyday, he had the option to quit —  his exact statement was: “Quitting’s not an option. I’m totally in awe of you.”  In awe of me. How did I not see through the utter bullshit? I guess I didn’t want to. It was easy to believe what he said and he was excused from having to prove it, since we lived an ocean apart.

He had told me in April that he told his mom about me, and that she was excited and hopeful for us, and he said she was a romantic at heart who was rooting for us to be together, especially after hearing how we met. And so when I visited, in September, I asked him if he told her I was coming and he said, “No, why would I have done that?” It’s like he didn’t even remember what he’d said to me. Again, I didn’t push it – I didn’t say anything to contradict him.

He started to get snappy with me on chat during his two-month stint in Africa (Sept/Oct 2011), towards the second month. I excused that too – he’s tired, he’s cranky, he’s upset about work, etc etc etc. He didn’t even have to make the excuses, I made them for him. I couldn’t say anything right… whatever I wrote was wrong and he made sure to correct it. Whatever I asked about was dismissed, and again, I didn’t push things because I didn’t want to upset him even more. I figured it was his situation that was making him upset, not necessarily me or ‘us’… I was wrong.

I *guessed* things were over when he got back from Africa and he didn’t call to tell me. I *knew* things were over when I went to Tanzania and he didn’t email. I knew he was done and being a coward. And I cried and wailed and felt my heart break a thousand times over when I thought of him and every dream I’d had that wouldn’t come true. When I got back and caught him on chat the Tuesday before christmas and he said he would call that night, I *knew* it was a lie. But I still hoped I was wrong… I wasn’t.

Wednesday when we chatted it took all of 1 minute for him to start breaking things off: “You deserve better, I can’t give you what you want or what you need, I’m just being an asshole to you and treating you so badly and it makes me feel like shit about myself”… And I begged him to stop writing those things and I asked him: “Are you really ending this on fucking facebook chat?” and he said no, that wasn’t his ‘intent’ – he just wanted me to know how dark he was feeling still.   So, very clearly I asked if he wanted me to end things, like he waited for his girlfriend to do – and he said no, he didn’t want that. And I asked him if he had thought when I was in Tanzania and we didn’t chat for two weeks, if he thought we were done – and he said yes, he did. And I asked, ‘So that was just okay with you then, that we’d never talk again?’ And he said, “no, but i thought i deserved it’.   I asked him again if he was over this all, and he said “In the mentality I am currently in I dont want to end anything then get into a lighter mood in a few weeks and regret it all.”  Passive aggressive dickhead.

Three times I asked if he wanted me to end this relationship – each time his answer was no. He said he thought I was brilliant, that that had never been in question. I asked him, at the end of the chat, if I was ‘forcing him to stay in this relationship’ and he said no. And I asked him again, to tell me honestly, if he wanted to finish this and he said, “I’ve answered you honestly three times already.”

And yet here we are, two weeks after that, and not a call or a text or an email or a FB message or anything from him. I will never understand why he lied… I gave him every out he could’ve ever asked for, from the very beginning. I had been SO honest about what I wanted from him, and he played along and told me what I wanted to hear. I told him this was serious for me, he said it was for him too. He said he was smitten with me from the beginning and that he’d never felt that way about anyone before. We both worried about falling for the idea of each other, instead of the actual person, and we both admitted we didn’t think it was the ‘idea’ of each other.  I made deadlines for myself too – if he didn’t end things in April with his girlfriend, I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. And April came and went, and I didn’t stop talking to him. And then it was the end of June. And then it got pushed to the end of July… and then, eventually, the choice was taken away from me.

I have to believe he meant some of it, otherwise I’ll be even more upset. I have to believe he loved me… When I was visiting him, he was holding me one night, very close to him, tightly and sweetly, and in my head I thought to myself “Please say I love you, please say I love you”… and he did, as if he read my mind, say “I love you” with so much conviction – like it was choked up inside him and it was all he could do to get it out.

But none of that matters now. They’re just memories that hurt – I had a glimpse of what life may have been like with him, and I really liked what I saw. Or, at least, what I chose to focus on. I know I ignored and excused so much of his actual behavior, and I cannot explain why. I have no clue why I let things play out the way they did. I don’t know why I believed everything he said – like he would visit me here.  I so stupidly believed that he would come, I dvr’ed shows for him that I know he watches. I am so embarrassed to admit that. I deleted them this past weekend, but still. How much ridiculous hope did I have in this boy who had never even proved himself? What is wrong with me???

I looked at his FB page today – first time in weeks. He has an iphone now – a phone that calls, texts, skypes, fb’s… all at the touch of a button. And I still haven’t heard from him.  The funny thing was, someone asked if it was a christmas present and he wrote, ‘nobody likes me that much to get such an extravagant gift’… but I did. I would’ve. I took him gifts when I visited him and I wonder if he uses them or thinks about me when he sees them. I sent him a Christmas card I specifically bought for him in Tanzania (before it all ended) and I wonder if he liked it and what he thought of it. I wonder if he thinks about me, if he misses chatting … If he ever really loved me.  I don’t understand what he got out of any of this … if I just stroked his ego, if it was just fun for him to make someone fall in love, if the anticipation of seeing me again was enough to sustain us for months, and when that was over, he got bored with the reality of it. I don’t know. I will never know.

All I know is that we started, continued and ended on facebook. I guess it’s not fb’s fault he used it to end things with me… it’s his, really, for being a fucking pussy.

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