One Month

Posted on: January 22, 2012

It’s been one month since British ended things on facebook.

I haven’t reached out to him since he last said “Talk to you soon” and he hasn’t called/emailed/txted me either. I want to tell him I miss him, that I still think of him *all the time*, but I know I shouldn’t. I try to focus on the bad instead of the good, and really, there was far more bad than good. I cried over him so much, it’s embarrassing. For the approximate year we talked, I think we had about 3 months and 5 days (those 5 days were when I was in Edinburgh) of “really really good” – the rest of it was excuses and possible lies and me crying over a boy who said he loved me but never showed me he loved me.

He didn’t break up with his girlfriend like he said he would. In fact, I have no doubt that if I hadn’t booked my tickets to visit him, they’d still be miserably together (miserable according to him, of course). He said he would look for tickets as soon as  the cast came off his wrist. That was March 2011. That didn’t happen. He actually had even told me that he’d talked to doctor about splitting the cast early, if need be, so he could travel to see me.  Clearly, that never happened either. Then he had to get through physio, then he had no money, then he still had a girlfriend. He said he would ask his mom/sister if I could come as his guest to his sister’s wedding… when I booked my tickets, I was leaving a week before her wedding was to happen. Not a peep to say I should come later so I could go as his guest.  Not one word about taking me, even though we’d talked about it. I was so blinded by my ridiculous love for him, I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

As much as he was a smooth-talking, British-accented asshole, I was a fucking idiot. Just massively stupid. Everyone had told me to end things with him, put him on the back burner, stop loving him the way I did… and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t and now I’m paying for it with my tears and wasted time.

I want to scream at him and tell him he’ll never do better than me. He’ll never meet someone like me again. That he threw away what could’ve been a lifetime of happiness because he’s such a scared little boy. But the thing is, he doesn’t care about any of that, or me, anymore. And I have to accept it. It’s hard though… because even though deep-down I know it’s not really about me — it’s about him and his issues — it is very hard not to wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him, why he didn’t want to try to work things out, why he said he loved me but didn’t mean it.

I also want to yell super mean things to him, like: “Fuck yourself, Fatty! Suck your own man-tits from now on!!”  Haha. I know that’s awful, and he was sensitive about his weight gain, but seriously. The boy had fucking moobs and I didn’t say anything. More than a mouthful, you know? And again. I didn’t care. I loved him.  He turned me on more than anyone else ever has. I was SO attracted to him and cannot explain that either.

I regret letting things get to where they did. I had always told him that if it was just about the sex, we could’ve kept things light/easy and with no feelings involved. He always responded that it wasn’t just sex for him, that wasn’t why he wanted to talk to me, see me, be with me. And yet, again, he really did nothing to make any of that happen. I wish we’d stayed just ‘facebook friends’ – occasional emails about life, working in Africa, working in public health… it would have saved me an emotional roller-coaster for a year. Hopefully, one day, I’ll look back at this relationship and be able to see what it did for me, both good and bad, but since it’s only been one month, it’s hard to do that right now without so much hurt/anger/love that still exists within me for this stupid boy.


1 Response to "One Month"

Dont waste ur time n life…go out n live ur life!! tht wud b the perfect revenge!! Enjoy u life…make new friends…there so much 2 du!!

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