currylove

Damnit

Posted on: January 30, 2012

I cried tonight. It just snuck up on me with no warning. I was filling in a friend on what happened and out of nowhere the tears came.  I don’t know if  I was embarrassed because of my stupidness or sad *because* it ended or upset with *how* it ended…. I don’t really know why I cried, but I did, and I couldn’t stop the tears. Luckily I’ve known her for years and she doesn’t judge. Although, it is embarrassing to have cried in so many restaurants in Atlanta at this point.

I’d been doing so well for so long… I hate that I still randomly cry. I hate that I think of him ALL the fucking time. I hate that he pops into my head when I least expect it and sometimes when I most expect it. I no longer do the math I used to do…. I don’t think about what time it is in the UK. I don’t check his facebook, even though I want to. It takes every ounce of restraint not to, but I know it won’t do me any good. I wake up thinking about him though, especially if I dreamt of him, which I do more than I would like to admit.

He said “I love you” often… those three words mean so much to me. It takes me *so much* to say them to anyone outside of my family. And I don’t say them lightly and I don’t lie about it. I guess I expected the person that I said them to to use those words the same way I did and I shouldn’t have.

I hate that I replay those 5 days in Scotland together… that’s all we had. 5 days in person. The rest was on the phone/email/sms. I have no right to talk about love or desire or a relationship with him, we didn’t really have one. We had what was useful to him when he didn’t want to deal with the rest of his life, and when that got to be too real, he let that (me) go as well. I have no right to complain or cry when I should’ve seen it coming, since he did the same to his girlfriend before me.

But I have cried. And am crying still. It kills me. It hurts so badly. I wish I hadn’t been so dumb to think that I was different to him. That I was special. That he cared about me more than he did anyone else because he said so. He told me all that, but I should have never believed it. I should have made him prove it but I never did. “I love you” was enough for me. All he ever had to do was say it. I was just stupid enough to trust him to mean it.

 

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