currylove

“How are you”

Posted on: February 6, 2012

It’s been 6 weeks since British passive aggressively “ended” things on facebook chat. I hadn’t reached out at all since he said “I don’t want this to end. Talk to you soon. xxx”. That changed this morning.

I was on facebook and he popped up as available. So after some deliberation and a bit of a queasy stomach, I im’ed him: “Hi… Happy New Year.”  Yeah, it’s February but since we last chatted in December, it seemed appropriate… and it took me about 3 minutes to come up with that poetry. He didn’t write back right away and I actually thought he wasn’t going to. I didn’t cry but was super sad. Turned out my chat was having issues as I’d missed an IM from another friend and him.

His response was: “Hi. How are you”…  that’s what I waited 6 weeks to hear? What the fuck. Seriously… He’s always disappointing me.

I haven’t written back yet, partly because I don’t know the answer. Do I tell the truth (which I always have with him) and say that I’m heartbroken? That I still cry but it’s not as often? That I still think of him? That I am still hurt – maybe more so by how he ended things than that they actually ended? That I’m embarrassed as a 34 year old woman to say that I got dumped on fucking facebook chat? That I’m proud of myself for holding out 6 weeks before I contacted him? That I miss him?

But the thing is, I don’t know if I miss him anymore. I want to say it but I don’t know if I mean it. I don’t miss his broken promises. I don’t miss him ignoring my calls. I don’t miss him treating me like shit and me putting up with it. I don’t miss  him calling back when he decides he’s ready, giving  excuses as to why he couldn’t do it earlier. I don’t miss feeling pathetic about hoping he’d call or email. I don’t miss feeling sad when he didn’t do those things at all. I don’t miss wondering if he’s thinking about me. I don’t miss the anger and hurt I felt when I realized he had time to call everyone but me when he got back from Africa. I don’t miss the pain of realizing he was done and he just didn’t have the balls to say it.

So… how am I? I guess the truthful answer is “better off,” and I’m getting closer to accepting that.

 

 

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