Fuck you, Cupid

Posted on: February 8, 2012

I really thought I was going to have an international Valentine this year. Clearly, that’s not happening, unless I have an arranged marriage in the next week.

In my life, I’ve only ever had a boyfriend on one Valentine’s Day. ONE. O.N.E. I am 34. Thanks for nothing, God of Love.

He was the one my parents hated because he was white and tall. I’d gone over to his place to celebrate our first V-day together. He had lilies for me, my favorite flower. And he’d ordered out Indian food, which he’d never had before – he told me how he didn’t know what to get so he got help from the restaurant and how he hoped I would like it.  He was so nervous. I still remember the meal: butter chicken, naan, rice. Pretty staple as far as Indian food goes, but adventurous for him at that point. He’d even put out a little tablecloth and set the ‘table’ before I got there… it was simple but awesome.

My favorite thing he ever got me was a cup of ice-cream from the mall. It’s stupid, isn’t it? But that was the best. I was in grad school at the time and he’d surprised me by stopping by to say hello and brought me some ice-cream while we hung out for a bit, before I had to get back to studying. I still remember that day so clearly. My second favorite thing he ever got me was a stupid buffalo beanie baby (remember those?)  – I have it still.  Recently, when my niece was visiting, she asked if she could have it, and you know – it’s been 8 years since we were together and in love and I said no I couldn’t give it to her… I don’t know why. It doesn’t really mean anything to me, I barely glance at it when I’m in the guest room (where it hangs out), but I just couldn’t part with it.

One of the last gifts he got me caused one of our biggest arguments. Actually, I should rephrase that. *I* caused one of our biggest arguments. We had been in this fancy furniture store, like a higher-end Pier One,  and there was this blanket that looked exactly like the ones we had at home. It was ‘made in India’ and we have so many that we bought while in India, and they are so cheap. This one wasn’t – it had the American mark-up, so it was $80. I commented on how pretty it was and how it reminded me of home and that was that.

A few weeks later, for Christmas, I received that blanket as a gift from him. He remembered I loved it, went back to get it and was SO excited to give it to me. I fucked it all up because instead of just saying “thank you” I told him to return it because it was too expensive. I was thinking with my head, not my heart. I absolutely loved that he got it for me, but he was in grad school too by that point and I didn’t think he should’ve spent that much money. I will never forget the devastated look on his face. I tried to explain it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate it, but that I thought it was too much… but it was too late. I’d done the damage and hurt his feelings so badly.

We broke up soon after that – that fight wasn’t the end of us, but it was the last gift I would’ve had from him and I made him return it. Now, when I get something from anyone I just say “Thanks!” whether I want it, like it, need it or not.

Last Valentine’s Day, British and I were chatting and he emailed saying “Unsurprisingly, I’ve thought of you all day”… sigh. I bet that’s not the case this time around. Seriously, I don’t even think the holiday is that big of a deal. It’s not even a real holiday! But goddammit… it’d just be nice to have someone who cares, on that day and all the others.


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