What was I thinking?

Posted on: February 16, 2012

My phone is getting to the point where it isn’t accepting any more texts cause the memory is full. Yes, I have the world’s oldest phone. Homeless people have better phones than I do. But whatever. Point is, I needed to delete some texts so new ones could come in.

So I was looking at the messages between me and one of my good girlfriends, going back about a year. Holy Fuck. How stupid was I the entire time I was ‘with’ British? How did I not listen to *myself* the whole time? A whole YEAR of uncertainty and being treated like shit, but not doing anything about it? That’s not me. Really. That isn’t me. I don’t know why I fell so hard for him – I cannot explain it at all. He was always on the verge of jobless-ness, wasn’t a perfect athletic specimen, never had any money, always had apologies and excuses for why he fucked up, cute but nothing jaw-dropping, and just overall not *that* special. I sound like a bitch and I don’t mean to – I just am trying to figure out what I fell in love with, but there was just something special. I blame the stupid accent.

Anyway – these are between me and her, and they show the sad/unsure side.  One day, when I’m able to, I’ll share the ones between me and him. The ones that were fun and sexy and the things he said (on the phone, in email, via sms) that made me believe he cared, which I think he did, but again, I had enough clues to see what was going to happen, I just couldn’t get off the train…. it was headed for this crash ending the whole time, and I couldn’t pull the brakes.


  • Me: “I was ready to stop talking to British but he said the reason he hasn’t been in the mood to talk is because the anniversary of his dad’s death is coming up and then I felt like a bitch for pushing him to talk about us”

So that played out for a month… he was out of touch, called when he could, emailed when he could, and each time he did would say how much he missed and loved me and how sorry he was for not calling, and I let it all go.


  • Her: “You seem more sad lately and I know its because you are frustrated with the situation”
  • Me: “I know you guys can tell and yup, just frustrated. i can’t wait for him and if/when he shows up, he can deal with what i’ve doing, i guess”

BIG TALKER! I’m a BIG fucking TALKER who didn’t back up any of that. ARGH.

June and July were just spent crying since he wasn’t able to break up with his girlfriend for whatever bullshit reasons he gave me.


  • Me: “I just deactivated facebook. It made me mad that he ‘liked’ something on facebook but couldn’t message me back. And I don’t want to stalk his European adventure.”

He left for his fucking bike trip and didn’t even email to let me know. This was AFTER I’d already booked my flight to see him so I guess he pretty much thought he didn’t need to let me know what was going on since I was a sure thing.

End of August

  • Me: “I’m afraid he’s going to forget to pick me up at the airport”
  • Her: “Why would he forget?”
  • Me: “Bc he forgets everything. I won’t be surprised if he comes back from this bike trip with something broken”
  • Her: “Just make sure you have cab fare. You’ve been to Africa, Scotland will be a breeze!”

So it turned out that I actually had good reason to be worried. His ex that he couldn’t break up with was a one-night stand to start with. They’d fucked, she’d left and they didn’t talk again for 5 months. When she called him later to meet up at the bar, he sat there and drank by himself thinking he’d got stood up. She came over and asked him if he was trying to make an ass of her – nope, he just hadn’t really remembered what she looked like. Considering it’d been over a year that we’d seen each other, my worry was totally justified, even if I hadn’t known that then.


  • Her: “You have to give British x number of weeks and make a decision. Put him on the back burner if you need to”
  • Me: “I know. I need to decide something by the end of the year. I just need to be strong.”

HA HA HA HA HA. Strong. Yeah, right.


  • Me: “I’m in a bad mood because British can’t be bothered to call. How’d you do this??” (She was in a long-distance relationship)
  • Her: “You mean the long distance bullshit and poor communciation? It was terrible. Guys are really bad with it. that’s why i’m telling you to stop bothering with it, you’ll drive yourself crazy!”
  • Me: “you’re right. I’m just so annoyed to know to know that he couldve called/txted but didn’t”

FUCKING HELL I AM A MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT. Just massive idiot. I am ashamed of myself. Oh, but it gets better.

November (after he got back to the UK)

  • Me: “Talked to British finally today. he got in fri, had no phone, yet managed to get a call to go to a party over the wkend. Im not even mad any more. Just sad. I don’t think he cares at all. Or maybe now that the chase is over, he’s done? Who knows. So sad.”
  • Me: “Still no call from Brit, yet on his FB his friend wrote ‘sorry i missed your call’ 😦  So sad”
  • Her: “So I see youre stalking him?”
  • Me: “Ha. Yes. Stalking. When you say it like, i sound insane. i need to not care. Fuck man. I’m all screwed up.”
  • Her: “Its a tough situation and you don’t have enough distractions (ie boys in atl) to take your mind off him. We need dates!!!”
  • Her: “My hairdresser said guys will push it as much as they can, like not calling and seeing how far they can get away with these things. He said to date someone else and let him chase you. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth it. He said guys are just jerks.”

It was already done at this point, I just ignored the signs…. he didn’t call to tell me he was home. He didn’t pick up when I called. Why did I let this hurt me so bad when I knew from the beginning what to expect?

December (after not picking up when I called)

  • Me: “Why do I look at fb???????? He’s a f’ing dick”
  •  Her: ???
  • Me: “Apparently he’s alive and hanging out with friends all wkend. He ignored every call while I cried.
  • Her:  😦

I deleted a lot of other texts between us cause I needed the space on my phone… I deleted all of his a long time ago as well, but wrote them down first  (I’m basically my own secretary at this point) so I can remember that I wasn’t insane. I didn’t make this relationship up in my head. I just believed the things he wrote. I think he did too – but it’s easy to say things from thousands of miles away, or not say anything, as evidenced above.

A few months ago, hell, even a few weeks ago, I would’ve cried about these… but now, I’m just mad at myself for being such a dumb girl.


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