currylove

Alone

Posted on: March 3, 2012

I woke up this morning sadder than sad. Today was the first weekend in years that my family isn’t around. For the past two years, I’d gone to see them almost every weekend. For the past few months, I’d basically moved in with them from Friday night to Saturday morning. Whether I was dating someone or not, the constant was always them – I knew I would see them and hang out and have some chai, no matter what time of day it was.

I knew it’d be hard after they left, but I guess I didn’t even realize myself how much I had gotten used to being around them. I jokingly told a friend of mine that I’d be moving in with her on the weekends now – she said I could but I can’t. Not really. Even though I kind of want to…

Talked to my cousin earlier and she said I had to get out of the house, that I couldn’t sit and cry softly by myself, even though that’s all I wanted to do. So I took her advice and ran some errands and I guess because spring is in the air, all I saw around me were girls with the biggest fucking engagement rings ever. Which just made me angrier and sadder than I already was. And then, I found out a friend got engaged. And am I nice enough to be happy for him? Sure, for a second. And then I just got mad all over again.

It just makes me question why haven’t I found the right guy – and when I do find the ones I think are right, why don’t they want to put time and effort into wanting to be with me? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I worth the energy and commitment that other girls clearly are? Why am I not good enough? These aren’t fair questions and I know these feelings will pass – I’m just in a massive funk – but fuck if they don’t run on an endless loop sometimes.

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