Arranging Marriages – Part 9 (aka, Dr. Dallas’ visit)

Posted on: May 28, 2012

He came. He saw. He did not conquer. The visit is done and over, and I am finally not stressed about things.

Nothing happened. Not one spark, not one connection… nothing.  I don’t know if he wanted to do anything at all, actually. I couldn’t get a firm read on things.

Let me just list the ways it all went wrong.

1) The Generalizer: (I can’t take credit for that name, my friend came up with it) — Just overall sweeping statements of what men/women like and don’t like. Some direct quotes:

  • “Men are really easy” … Really?  Cause that’s not true, at all.  Men are just as picky as the rest of the human species.
  • All women are hard to please.”… Again… really? Just fucking do things right and it wouldn’t be so tough. And, have you dated all women? Pretty much guessing no on that one. So “ALL” seems like an overstatement, doesn’t it?
  • Women don’t like action movies.” … This was ON OUR WAY to see the Avengers. My choice. I’m a woman, am I not? And that’s an action movie, is it not? So these last two statements were so close together that I actually could not bite my tongue and asked him “What year do you think we live in???”  It’s not 1953. Women aren’t hard to please and they like action movies. Holy fuck, thank god for the feminist revolution.
  • “”Women are funny.” … After seeing The Avengers, I told him how it made my girlfriend want to get into better shape. He thought that was “funny” … you know what, fucker? Maybe YOU should think about being more like Thor and I’d actually want to fuck you. That didn’t cross your mind? That you should be more muscular/more manly (more on that later?)???? Not once? And yet, WOMEN ARE FUNNY? Fuck off.


2) The Mumbler: I do not even understand how in the hell he’s a doctor. He decresendos and mumbles SO BADLY that I actually have to ask him to repeat himself. I want someone with confidence. Someone who believes in what he’s saying. Not someone who starts a statement and then can’t see it through. Literally, this is what I heard: “SO I THOUGHT that this was important and then blah blah blah.”

WHAT THE FUCK. I cannot tell you how many times I had to lean in and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.” Is this how he delivers news to patients? ” SORRY… YOUR dad  is not going to be ok.” — WHO wants to hear news like that?

3) The Non-Talker: I tried really fucking hard. I can talk to a brick wall. But if you can’t muster more than a “uh huh” or a “Mmmm…” when I’m telling you a story, I’m really not going to keep trying. If I tell you that I was in a tornado during a date, don’t you think that’d bring about more than a “Oh.” ????  That’s it? No question on what happened, where we ran, what we did? NOTHING??? I would even ask about his life: “So, when is your sister due?”   His answer? “September.”  … Not “I’m so excited, my nephew will be born in September.” Not “I can’t wait to meet him.” Just “September.”  Well, all righty then. What else can I do??  We were together for almost 3 full days – our first time meeting. It should have been full of fun and stories and non-stop chatting… instead, I barely laughed. Honestly, I’m the easiest person in the world to get to giggle or smile. And nothing. Barely once did I genuinely laugh. (And yes, it may be that he wasn’t in to me, which accounted for his reticence. I am fully aware of that.)  Also, not once did I hear “You look pretty” or “I like your dress” – which, maybe he didn’t think I was pretty or didn’t like my dress, but sure as fuck other boys did cause I caught them looking.

4) The Traumatized:  His parents sent him to boarding school in India for 3 years when he was young (from about 9 to 12 years old). He wouldn’t/couldn’t really discuss it because he was so traumatized by it. IT WAS FUCKING 30 YEARS AGO. Let it go, man.  Yes, I have no doubt it was hard. Indian schools believe in corporal punishment, so he endured some of that. So fucking what? My mom did too. So did my dad. It’s part of the discipline there, and it’s part of why I was raised to ALWAYS respect my teachers. If I ever mouthed off (which I didn’t), the punishment I received at home was going to be far worse than what happened at school (which was why I was a good girl in school, except for the notes that got sent home that said I was too talkative 😉 )… In any case, we had Thai food one night and he didn’t take any rice, which, again, COME ON. WE ARE INDIAN. Rice is a staple. So I asked, “Oh, no rice?” (thinking he was on a diet)… and he said, “No, I had so much rice in boarding school, I never want to eat it again.” HOLY FUCK. Again, that was almost 3o years ago. Seriously? You had so much rice back then that you can NEVER eat it again? EVER???? Good lord. You went away to school, not concentration camp.  (And, yes, he may have been full out abused at the school, and maybe just didn’t tell me – so with what I’m going on, he was homesick and tired of eating rice. That’s it.)

5) The Weenie: I am a big scaredy cat. I totally admit it. But I’ve lived alone long enough to discover that I have to deal with shit – the spiders, the roaches, the scary men at the door. I will deal and I will be stronger for it. But I absolutely expect the boys I’m with to be men. I don’t want to hear you’re scared of things, it doesn’t make me believe in you. I don’t want to hear the following (verbatim):

  • “Yeah, when I was 9, dad put me on a horse and I’ve been scared of them ever since.”
  •  “I’m scared of heights. It’s ok to look out, but if I look down, I get weak in the knees.”

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. EVEN IF IT’S TRUE, DON’T ADMIT IT!!! I CANNOT BE THE STRONG ONE IN THE FAMILY. I CANNOT BE THE ONE TO SUPPORT US ALL THE TIME. As my friend pointed out, we’ll probably never ride horses together or have sex at the top of an 80-story building, so is it a big deal? It is to me. I don’t want my kids to grow up scared of things. I want them to be stronger and smarter and better than me, so there’s no way we can both be scared of everything.  I want someone who makes me stronger too, not one who enables my ineptitudes. Fuck. I simply cannot have more balls than the boy I’m with.

6) The Non-Sexy:  Hearing about his post-nasal drip allergies does nothing for me. Nor does the aforementioned scaredness of horses, heights and trauma from eating rice in India. Pretty much, none of that makes me want to fuck him. At all. Ever.

There was also enough shady family stuff that makes me question a LOT.

So…with all of that being said, come September he’s making 6-figures and I need to be married before I kill my parents with disappointment. So forgive me if I give in to other people’s hopes and desires and marry him, even with what I’ve written here.





4 Responses to "Arranging Marriages – Part 9 (aka, Dr. Dallas’ visit)"

Do.Not.Marry.This.Dick. Please you are way too awesome and he sounds like a total bore !!! As I said , come over here , I shall be your tour guide and now I shall be your matchmaker .. the blokes over here have testosterone + !! (maybe too much sometimes lol ) Xx

You are way too sweet! I will take any and all matchmaking offers – if any of your countrymen are out this way, just let me know 🙂 I’ll take a bloke over a weenie any day!!!!

There are lots and lots of reasons to get married, or indeed to not get married, but please don’t let one of them have anything to do with someone having a six figure salary!

Nah… that was written after a bottle of wine. 😉

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