Five Minutes in … Heaven?

Posted on: June 3, 2012

Met up with Teen Wolf (TW) last night, and ended up back at his place for possibly the quickest sex of my life. I’m not really even sure it counts (he did have the decency to be ashamed of himself).  Let me back-up a bit though, and tell you how I ended up in dirtiest house I’ve seen in a LONG time having the fastest sex ever…

We’d been texting back and forth a bit over the past week, and finally decided we’d get together Saturday (last) night. Met him and his friends (who were all super nice) at a local pub in Buckhead, and when we were done with that, they wanted to go to Red Door – which just happens to be a dive-y, dirty, not-my-style kind of bar.  Me and my friends went along, because why not – we had no other plans.

Teen Wolf had been sweet though – told me how pretty I was (in just 2 hours, as opposed to never in 3 days!!) and how glad he was that we’d come out, etc etc. Points for that.

Anyway, we get to Red Door, and the first thing they do is set up a few tables to play… FLIP CUP.   Basically, he and his friends are frat boys who never grew up.  This was going to be a loooooooooong fucking night.

I have realized though, that at 34, I don’t have to put up with shit that I don’t want to. Keep that in mind for the some of the story to come.

The boys and some of the girls play flip cup, and my friends decide to leave. I stayed to hang out with TW and he asked if I wanted to come back to his place, where he lives with 2 other boy room-mates. I should’ve known what I was walking into, but my desire for sex was greater than my ability to logically think at that point… plus, I was drunk (big surprise there!).

And so we get to his house. And it is disgusting. There were roaches at the bottom of the fridge. Fucking hell, how is that even possible? There are plates of half-eaten (and some fully eaten) food in all corners. I was actually afraid to sit on the toilet. The bathroom sink had hair all over it, and one of the boys, I don’t know who, left their toothbrush in that mess.  WHO LIVES LIKE THIS?!!?!? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!?!?!

I told him how filthy it was, and again, he was embarrassed but I was already there at this point – what difference did it make? I had no car either, he was going to have to take me home at some point. And his car was the first pub, since he was too drunk to drive after that.

SO… his room. Honestly, I didn’t really want to look around. It looked like it mostly just clothes that were hanging out everywhere – I only saw a little piece of carpet. The bed… sigh. The bed. It was there and looked relatively clean. Good enough.

We start to fool around, but I just cannot get in the mood — I’m so grossed out by everything. And the thing is, they are smart boys! They’re all working with really good jobs and have degrees and HOW IS THIS OK TO LIVE IN?!!?

He does what he needs to do to get me ‘happier’ and I am enjoying myself, until we are ready to have sex and I asked if has protection. His words, “No. Why?” WHHHHHHHHHHHHATTTTTT?!?!!? I just looked at him, in all his naked chubby glory and told him to find some, or we’re not doing anything. At all. Him: “Not even just the tip?” NO! WHO DOES THAT WORK ON?!!?!? NO NO NO.

So what does he do? GOES TO HIS ROOM-MATE AND ASKS FOR A CONDOM. No shame, these boys… no shame.

It was useless anyways – I wasn’t in the mood, didn’t care and he wasn’t having fun because I forced him to wrap it up. We ended up not doing anything, and he takes the condom off and asks if I’ll take care of him. Remember up above where I said I’m old enough to not just do things? Yeah… I said no, you can take care of yourself.  Him: “Come on! I totally had dinner in your va-jay-jay” (direct quote). Me: “I didn’t ask you to that, so the answer’s still no.”  Him: “Can I come on you?” Me: “No, that’s so annoying.” We (more correctly, he) finished himself off and we went to bed. Where I didn’t sleep a wink – it’s hot, the aircon isn’t working (of course – why would it be?), the fan sounds like it’s going to fall off the ceiling and he snores.

Morning rolls around and his roommate had gone out and brought us some Gatorade to re-hydrate. He also very helpfully bought TW a box of condoms. Ok – I thought this was actually really nice! I don’t know that I’d buy condoms for my friends.

Anyway, he starts to open one and I just look at him and point out that until he actually does something to turn me on, putting one on now was going to be useless. Jesus. How often does he have sex? Less than me?!?!!

He gets me turned on enough, we have sex and it’s pretty much over in 5 minutes. He mumbled a quick apology about being so fast.

Thing is, I’m sorta glad it was so quick – I just wanted out of that house. I will admit, in the daylight, it wasn’t as bad as it had looked at night, but still… I told him if we ever hook up again, we’ll do it at my place. I’m not going back there.

In any case, I try to find all my stuff in the morning, and I couldn’t find my undies. I get dressed, he found them somewhere on the floor, and handed them to me. I REALLY did not want to take them home with me, but in the end, that’s how I ended up coming home with my underwear in my purse.

Fuck man. When did my life become “Sex and the City” episodes?

As my friend, T, said – given how he is, the bar of choice we went to, and how old they act – she wasn’t surprised that the sex ended up  being semi-sex-less. Neither am I actually.

I would totally see him again, though – he is smart, sweet and thoughtful, if not a little stupid about not wanting to use condoms.  Plus, with the sex being so short, I can get what I need (kind of) and get on with my day! Silver linings 😉


2 Responses to "Five Minutes in … Heaven?"

CL, I’m so sorry for the disgustingness of TW’s abode, but I am so surprised it looked better by day — that is so usually not the case isn’t it? And he and his roommates though clueless sound pretty sweet! And your retelling of it had me totally laughing out loud!
p.s. So glad you got to watch the (not terribly exciting regardless of what the beeb says) pageant!

Glad it made you laugh!!! 🙂 I figure my ridiculous moments should be shared… it honestly only looked better in the light of day because I averted my eyes to everything. Just had my eyes on the prize (the front door) and tried not to even look around 😉

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