Last Year

Posted on: August 30, 2012

Last year at this time, I was nervously sitting on a plane next to a half-naked Russian, on my way to Edinburgh. I didn’t know if British would remember to come get me or what I was getting myself into.

This year, I left work, got about two blocks, heard a “thump…thump…thump” as I drove and realized there was a nail in my tire. I sat at the gas station waiting for my roadside assistance and bought a lottery ticket while I was there. (Wouldn’t that be an even better story for next year??? Keep your fingers crossed.) And then went to the mall to spend money I shouldn’t be spending. I just didn’t want to come home and be alone.

I hate that I still open my email and sometimes, out of nowhere, I get this thought that I’ll have an email from him. Spoiler alert: I never do. It’s now a year to the day of the only time we ever met. He never put the effort or time in to coming here – and that still hurts, a lot, mostly because it’s a reminder of what an idiot I was. Possibly still am.

He left me with so much doubt about myself – Why wasn’t I good enough for him? Why didn’t he love me enough? What was missing in me that he would rather end it on Facebook than try to make it work? Why didn’t he want to give us a second chance?

And I know that it was never me… it was always his issues, and nothing I could’ve said or done would’ve changed any of that. And I know that if we’d stayed together beyond last Christmas, the outcome was going to be the same, just delayed and more hurtful. He had given me enough signs and flat out told me things that I chose to ignore because I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted to believe I was different, stupid girl that I am. UGH.

Honestly though, I don’t think I’m crying over him anymore. It’s everything else. It’s a year later and NOTHING is fucking different, except we’re not together. But, given that we were never really together, even that’s not so different. I haven’t met anyone new that I’ve sparked with. My job hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would. I am completely underwater on the mortgage for my place. (I actually just wrote out my property-tax check…. it’s so devalued, it’s worth less than a Port-a-Potty. Fucking awesome.)

I have never felt so stagnant in my life and it’s killing me. I look at my friends who are married and raising their kids and I’m nowhere near being in the same place. 30. My magic number had been 30: Married, 3 kids, great job. All by 30. Nope. Didn’t happen.

But, even with all of that, I know I don’t have it bad. At all. My job, regardless of how I feel about it, more than pays my bills and takes me to exotic destinations that I would have never otherwise seen. My friends, who I love, listen to me and put up with my bullshit and are amazing. My family, who drive me nuts in the best possible way, loves me and wants the best for me. I have more than a lot of people ever do and ever will.

When I was waiting for the auto-repair guy, I watched a man – very skinny, 80’s looking jeans that were barely staying up, a strange “crop-top” button down shirt that seemed like it was for a kid, big bushy hair in a ponytail, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I decided in the 3 seconds that I watched him that he’s a meth-addict. He went in and I was curious to see what he would buy… nothing. He came out with a black bag, some papers, and then went through the trash and left.

So fuck it…  At least I’m not going through trash for food, or money or anything else.

But still, this is how I feel for now (and here’s hoping something changes, soon):



4 Responses to "Last Year"

As you pointed out, there’s always someone who is worse off than you. I just read your old entry about the Facebook break-up. It was heartbreaking! I hope you realized he’s a coward and not deserving of your love.

– K.

Awww…thanks!!! Yes, he’s a coward and as my friends say, a “loser” as well. 😉 I’m doing better, it’s just the relapses now and then that I have out of the blue that are the worst!

Ugh, CL, I’m so sorry you feel this way. Isn’t the blog world weird though because whenever I read your posts I think “she is so freakin’ hilarious, has this awesome job, travels all over the world…” I wish we could all get a glimpse of ourselves through other people’s eyes sometimes (you know, the right kind of people ;)). I’ll be 30 next year and never thought it would freak me out, but I’ve already been graceless about it on multiple occasions. Ironically I never had kids or marriage on the list of things to do, but “dream job” and “job success” were the top two, and I am no where near crossing those out — and don’t feel I will next year or in 5 years. So I totally understand how you feel even though I’m in Edinburgh with a wonderful man. Isn’t life horribly twisted, sometimes?

My whole blog is pretty graceless, so I totally know what you mean 😉 Horribly twisted is a great way to describe it. I feel awful complaining because I know I’m better off than probably 75% of the world — and yet, it seems like that’s all I do! You are totally right though about seeing ourselves through others (your description of how you read me was so amazing to hear – thank you!!) – to me, your life (and clothes! and Loubi boots!!) seem SO AWESOME and you’re loved and in love and in a fantastic city/country with the one you love and I figure, man, she has everything! 🙂 I think we’re probably both so much better off (career, life, family) than we seem to think, and are harder on ourselves than anyone else (except (my) parents) would be.

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