My dad is so cute when he’s not trying to marry me off – Part 5

Posted on: November 28, 2012

My dad was on a roll the few days I was home.

I flew in on Wednesday night and stayed with my friend, A.  A’s been married, it ended badly (she’s the last story – worst #3) and she’s been happily not attached since. My parents came to pick me up from her place on Thursday and Mom/Dad came in to chat with her.

Dad (to A): “So… are you still single?!!?”

I gasped and A answered (laughingly): “Yes! I’m not seeing anyone. Still single.”

Dad: “That’s what’s wrong with both you girls. You don’t get serious. You have to try and settle down! Meet a nice boy!”

OMG! SHE’S NOT EVEN INDIAN! They’ve expanded their marriage harassment to any and everyone that crosses their path.

Luckily, she didn’t get offended and answered all his ridiculous questions sweetly.

The next day, we had to go to the bank (we went to three Walmarts and 2 banks while I was home. FUN.) – ok, my Dad has been speaking English since he was in his teens. Somehow he still manages to fuck it up. We’re talking to the banker and finish up getting CD rates (.05%?!?!?! That’s not even worth putting money in the bank!) and the banker asks me, “Is this your dad?” and I say yes, and out of Dad’s mouth:

“Yeah, that’s my dad.”

Talking about me. My Mom and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing. To his credit, he heard what he said immediately (and probably saw us laughing) and corrected himself: “I mean, that’s my daughter.”

The last day I was home, we got the professional pictures from my brother’s Christian ceremony (he married a white girl)… During the ceremony, they did the whole ‘throw the garter’ tradition. Ok, can I just say… I think it’s gross. The whole thing – pulling the garter off the new bride, throwing it and then having the guy who caught it put on the girl who caught the bouquet – it’s just so weirdly sexual in front of everyone. I am not a fan.

Anyway, my youngest cousin (who’s 27 but I still think he’s a baby) caught the garter. So, we’re looking at the pics, and we get to the one where my brother is hugging our cousin after catching the garter, and Dad says, “Oh, did I tell you what I said to him after he caught it?”

Me and Mom (apprehensively): “No…..”

Dad: “I said, ‘I hope it’s not her Tampax!'”

And then he laughed hysterically at himself. And both me and mom had scrunched up noses and just said, “Ewwww!!!! Gross!!”


So many questions that will never be answered…

And finally, their laptop was soooo slow that I decided to order them a new one. At first, he protested: “No, we don’t need it. All I do is my email and youtube.”

Which is true, but we also skype and they have such poor quality – so I bought the new laptop and had it shipped to them. Yesterday I was talking to them and Dad says, “God. This damn computer is so slow!”

I know!!! That’s why I bought a new one!!!!! The new computer got dropped off today and they called this morning to let me know – I literally just called them about 10 minutes ago and asked how they liked it… Dad says: “We haven’t even opened the box yet.”

Me: “Why not?”

Dad: “We don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to open the box! We were waiting for you!!”

DAD! WTF! JUST OPEN THE DAMN BOX. But they didn’t – and now we have a skype date in just a bit, after the news and Wheel of Fortune.

Sweetly though, Dad’s got more sentimental as he’s gotten older. Every time I go home or we chat, he asks me to move back – “Just find a job in Tampa – Come home!”  I don’t know why he doesn’t realize that if I move home I’ll have even less motivation to get married – Mom will provide chai and fresh food all day long. Awesome. She’ll do my laundry and tailor my clothes and clean my room. Dad will fix everything (not that I would need a lot fixed when I’m living in their house) but he’d be super chill about things. We’d watch the Daily Show together and make fun of Mom. (It’s the little things that keep you a family.)

Sure, there’s all the other issues to consider, like I’d have to take a 50% pay cut to work in Florida, and that I’d never get laid again (not like that’s going so well anyway, so I wouldn’t be missing much) and I’d have to hear about getting married on a daily basis (but that’s not much different from now either), so all in all, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. For a month. Until we get on each others’ nerves and want to scream.

But till then, it sounds like a fabulous idea. 🙂


1 Response to "My dad is so cute when he’s not trying to marry me off – Part 5"

You’re dad is hilarious. You seriously need to start a blog or twitter account with his quotes.

And for what it’s worth, I’ve had men from other cultures ask when I’m gonna get married and stuff too (when I was single and only in my early 20s). It’s a little startling at first, if your not from that culture, but mostly it is just funny. It’s funny because the men in OUR family and cultures are trying to keep us forever virginal.

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