He really did not come back from the bathroom

Posted on: March 20, 2014

Honestly, if these weren’t my own stories, I wouldn’t even believe them at this point.  But I swear, every word I write is true, so buckle in for the next adventure/horror story.

I met Hubba Hubba for dinner last night after a day of trading funny/sexy/cute texts.  He walks in to the restaurant looking HOT.  Well dressed and as cute as I remember.

We both order the same thing, and have a fun chat about nothing important. He tells me he worked out for 3 hours (WTF) and ate a whole pizza right before he came to dinner.

He is possibly not as smart as I gave him credit for…

Half-way through dinner, he goes to the bathroom…. I am seriously thinking he’s bulimic at this point. But, he comes back and as we finish up, he suggests another place to go drinking and thinks I should park my car at his place and we can walk over together.

I point out that it seems like a ploy to get in my pants, and he laughs and says, super sexily:

I’m not trying to convince you to sleep with me. You made it clear you weren’t going to. I like you. And I like that you’re a challenge.

Sigh. I get what he’s saying, but it’s such a double-edged sword (no pun intended). If I had slept with him already, a la The Bod, then the chase is over and it’s no longer fun. If I haven’t slept with him, then it’s just fun until the conquest happens.

Seriously, does my personality suck that bad that nobody wants to stick around longer than that?!?!!? I’m starting to get a complex.

Anyway, we discussed over dinner how much he hates to talk on the phone, which is important later. We walk out, he kisses me at the car, and I drive to his place to pick him up and go to the next bar (just a few blocks over) together.

I wait a LONG time in front of his place and then through a series of miscommunications on text, because he will not fucking pick up the phone, I end up at the bar because I thought he was there, while he was actually still waiting at his condo for me to come get him.

So I’m at the bar, and he’s supposedly heading over, except it’s been a really long time AGAIN.

I finally get this text:

Can we plan a different night for drinks. Don’t think I’ll be much fun tonight.

Ummm…. that is not the text you send when drinks have been already planned and one party is already at the chosen location.

I was fucking pissed.

So I write back:

So I should leave because you’re not coming here?

He responds:

Yeah I’m really sorry. I’m feeling horrible. I’ll make it up to ya….

I left and came home. Then an hour later, I get this:

Hey, I’m feeling pretty drained and kinda sick in the stomach region.

It seems to me that the texts came out of order, because that last one should’ve come first, right? Or maybe he was just covering for himself or maybe he’s just a dummy.

I texted him to feel better, and I later heard this from him:

Thanks. I just threw up for an hour but a bit better now.


So he was literally in the bathroom the entire time he wasn’t showing up to drinks. I wonder if he has some weird IBS, what with all the restroom visits during dinner?? Maybe he’s my soulmate.

Or maybe he’s doing cocaine every time he goes, which is why it takes so long. Hell if I know anything anymore.

In any case, not surprisingly, my stomach was all sorts of jacked up last night after dinner too. The pasta didn’t set well with either of us, though I’m willing to bet his was due to a ridiculous amount of food in his tummy and mine was my usual issues.

Anyway, I did cry after I got home, and was pooping. (The irony.) Truthfully, I assumed he didn’t show up because he knew he wasn’t getting laid.

Now that it’s been 24 hours, I think he probably was legitimately sick, which is excusable. What’s not excusable is his inability to PICK UP THE PHONE and tell me that. I guess he was probably embarrassed? If he really wants to make it up to me, he can ask and figure it out (flowers, a massage, chocolates would be a start).

But I’m not holding my breath.




10 Responses to "He really did not come back from the bathroom"

What a nightmare! He really should’ve given you a call to explain…. Texting leads to no end of miscommunication 😦

I know!!! Btw – haven’t had a chance to comment but so glad you’re happy 🙂 🙂

Thank you! But I’m not counting my chickens just yet… A further post to follow 🙂

Now I’m so curious! Can’t wait to read!!!

Hoping very much that he’s a fellow pooper 🙂

Hahaha. Me too! !!!! Miss you and your writing! !!!

Geez what a dick! If you’re shitting you’ve got all the time in the world to text. And how difficult is it to walk back to the fucking door, stick your head out and say ‘hey, listen..’

Yes! !! I do most of my catching up when I’m on the bathroom! !!!! Granted, vomiting is different but still.

Totally. There’s no excuse to being a dick.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him again so I guess it doesn’t matter! Sigh.

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