currylove

F’ing Stagnant

Posted on: September 4, 2014

So my manager came into my office today, shut the door and asked if I had a few minutes.

I asked if I was getting fired – only half-joking as we’ve had layoffs recently.

He said, no, but he was taking a new job. ON AN ISLAND. IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC.  (I won’t mention said island just in case he googles it and this shit pops up (cause I’m sure I rank #1 on the search) But, God knows I don’t need any work or future ex-work people reading this.)

So here he is – hot as usual, trying to contain his giddiness, happy as all fuck, MOVING TO THE BEACH FOR AN AMAZING NEW JOB with his family.  The wife will get to stay at their home (with a pool) and have maids, live an all around expat life, and the kids get to go to international school, and he gets to move somewhere exciting and new and take his family around the world AND IT IS NOT FAIR BECAUSE THAT’S THE LIFE I WANT.

After he left the office, I almost cried. And then I saw Joan Rivers died, and really almost cried.  Now there’s a woman who lived life her way.

Part of my draw to British wasn’t just his accent and witty banter… it was this dream that I tied to him that I would live a life overseas. And it pissed me off when it didn’t work out, not just because I ended up feeling like shit about myself, but because that dream evaporated with him.  And yes, I could go alone, but it’s not the same.  I want(ed) to go with a family.

And although I’m sad about my manager leaving (he’s a big part of the reason that I like my job, AND there go my hot fantasies of having an affair while we travel together), I’m extremely jealous of his wife. What’d she do right that she got him?  He’s cute, well paid, well educated, adventurous. My only hope is that he sucks in bed and that now I’ll never find out….

And I guess I’m also sad about being stagnant. When I moved to Atlanta, I didn’t think I’d be here for 12 years. I thought it’d be a few years, and I’d be gone – maybe back home to Florida, or somewhere else. I don’t hate it here, but I don’t love it. I still don’t think of it as home, even though it’s been so long… I thought I’d be married by now, have kids, have a life that means something, and it just seems that all my dreams get passed along to other people.

I realize I control all this though – I could move if I wanted, I could leave this city/town/my condo/stuff behind and go live the life I want, so maybe I should just stop being a scaredy-cat and do it.  But there are certain ties that I don’t want to unbind, so I can be jealous and sad and mad but it doesn’t matter until I decide to go.

At the same time, I don’t want to look back on my life and say “I wish….” or “I regret….” or “I should have….”  — I already have a few of those under my belt. I could’ve moved to Africa years back… my parents thought it was a bad idea, because how would I ever meet anyone there? Guess what. Stayed here, still haven’t met anyone. The end result is exactly what they feared, but without a few years worth of travel and safaris under my belt.

I should be happy for him, and I am, but jesus I’m gonna miss seeing him at work. I mean, besides being eye candy and giving me something to day dream about, he was my sounding board and he kept me there when I wanted to quit. I know he’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders and I don’t think I’d be where I am if he hadn’t been my manager.

But he’s leaving. And I’m not. I’m just fucking stuck.

 

 

 

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2 Responses to "F’ing Stagnant"

Aw that feels like shit!

Tell me about it. When they’re old and in the nursing home, they’ll have kids to help AND have had this awesome life. 😦 😦

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