currylove

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I haven’t written in a while… not because I’m wallowing in grief or despair but because I decided to make changes in my life that don’t involve a man. 

But you know what did involve men??? The New Kids on the Block tour  (with Paula  Abdul and Boyz 2 Men). 

Somehow my friend got us killer seats and we got to touch (not creepily touch, but like stick our hands out and let NKOTB grab them) TWO NEW KIDS. 40% SUCCESS RATE OF TOUCHING BAND MEMBERS (Jonathon and Jordan, for anyone who cares)!!!!!!!!

This is,  no joke, a wish I had from when I was a teenager and they were huge. I never got to go to their concerts back then so this was a fucking treat to start with and THEN I GOT TO BE A FANGIRL!!! 

I didn’t think I’d react the way I did but fuck.. my heart was racing, I was beyond excited, and it brought back those feelings of first crushes and being a giddy teenager. I may have even jumped up and down and screamed a bit.

I feel no shame 🙂

So when Philly was here, we’d been out to a bar where we ended up chatting with young guy (as in, still-in-college-just-turned-21). I remember meeting him and giving him advice on how he should find a sugar mama (and where he should do that). He drank with us a bit and was cute and fun and I probably flirted with him a bit more than I should’ve. He’d texted a few times after (I guess I gave him my number while drunk) and I lied and told him Philly was my boyfriend.

Well, last week, I got a text from a number I didn’t know. After a little back and forth, turned out it was this young guy! TWO YEARS LATER.

He said he found my number and just wanted to see how things were. I teased him about texting after 2 years and he said he thought “he’d take it slow” – which made me laugh. Then he asked if I still had boyfriend. NO. I DON’T. I NEVER DO. I NEVER DID. I didn’t respond to him because what’s the point?

I will generally never understand guys. Like, wtf – he just found my number and thought he’d take a shot? So strange. Weirdly flattering, but so so strange.

Yet, guys that I actually like that I *want* to hear from again… Nope. Never.

Then just a few days ago I met this woman who I ended up chatting to for quite a bit. She is 47 and married, and I legit thought she was in her late 20s (I asked for her skin care regimen – she said it’s just Asian genetics). Anyway, she asked about my status to which I replied I’m single. She was SHOCKED. As in, her mouth fell open. And I don’t think she was acting. She actually didn’t believe I was single, and then goes on to say:

Well, you must be VERY PICKY. Because you shouldn’t be single. You should have your choice of guys.

Yup. I’ve heard that before. And as one of my friends recently told me: “You have shit taste in men.”

How is my life summed up in a meme? Sigh. At least I’m on the only one who doesn’t understand this mystery:

howlove

 

 

 

 

 

So I finally heard from him on Wednesday with a text saying he’d been busy studying for a test (he’s in a master’s program). I responded on Thursday, because this is how it is now. 

No response back from him yet, and I don’t expect there to be. He got what he wanted. 

This one sucks because as much as I didn’t want to admit It, I kinda liked him. I haven’t liked anyone in a long time and it was fun to meet someone who seemed nice and normal.

I didn’t ask him to say things like “I like spending whatever time I can with you” or joke (I think he was joking) about planning  a beach trip. I guess in some ways those should have been flags because it was so weirdly nice and future-based.  But it was never strange or out of the blue,  it fit into our conversations. 

I can usually spot douches quickly but I clearly missed him.  But I wasn’t enamored with his words. I know better than that.  I was impressed with his actions. When we had our first date,  I offered to contribute to the check. His exact words were “No way. I want to see you again.” He didn’t let me pay for anything and we didn’t go to cheap places.  If all he wanted was sex, he could’ve got that from anyone else for much cheaper. 

And the worst part is the irony of all of this.  I would tease him about being so nice and tell him it’s weird… turned out he was only nice trying to get laid. Having sex allowed his inner asshole to shine. AND if he’d just been up front that he just wanted to get laid,  I would’ve been on the same page. That would have been fine with me! 

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure this one out. I’m mad at myself for being so upset about it… But I feel used, stupid, fat, and ugly. And I don’t know how to make these feelings and thoughts go away.  

So I haven’t heard from the 29 year old since Friday, the day after I spent the night. We texted a bit and that was that. I knew he’d gone out of town for the weekend so I texted Sunday to see how it went.  No response. He usually responds right away so I knew immediately this was different. 

I’ve learned enough to not believe what I’m told… So when he would talk about future trips for us or talked about how he only wanted to see me instead of other girls,  I rolled my eyes internally and smiled externally. I didn’t believe him. 

But there was enough action, I thought,  to back those things he said. And he seemed to be genuinely nice.  Like soooooo nice. How could he have hidden his inner asshole so well??? How did I not see through the things he said and did?  I slept with him because I never thought this would happen.

I had asked him why he wasn’t dating someone his own age and he said because they weren’t mature enough for him.  He said he liked how  smart I am and how I have my shit together.

That didn’t change because we slept together.  So what is it? What don’t I have? Why do I feel,  again, like I am not good enough? 

What makes me even sadder is that although I refused to admit it,  I liked hanging out with him.  He made me laugh and we had fun. And even more embarrassing,  I had just told some friends about him. I was excited to have met someone. 

Soooo …. what’s wrong with me? Why is he no longer interested?  I get on a basic level that he got what he wanted so he doesn’t have to put any more effort into it but this wasn’t like a week’s or month’s worth of effort. We’ve been chatting since December. We didn’t get to meet for the first time until February so we texted here and there, emailed when I was phoneless, conversed electronically in multiple ways. It was a lot of effort to keep in touch.

Soooo… all that effort was for one night? I can’t wrap my head around that. And maybe it’s as easy as that.  He got what he wanted. But he could’ve got that from anyone else, easier.

Soooo… because I can’t stop thinking about it & the effort & the things he did, not just said…. I dive into the “it’s me” portion of this post.

The problem is I don’t have answers. I can only think things like “I’m not pretty enough” or “I’m not good in bed” or “He didn’t like what he saw” or replay everything I did and try to figure out what I did wrong. There’s also just the basic “I must suck” thought.  But suck at what? Maybe just at life because it’s been 6 years since I started this blog and the same shit still happens.

I wish I could change whatever is wrong with me. I’m open to suggestions. 

And also I’m ashamed that I’m even writing  this,  especially  as the odds of hearing from him grow dimmer daily, but I still want to hear from him.  Maybe just because it’ll make me feel less like a loser. 

Let’s see… since the last post, things have gone nowhere with the last guy. He didn’t try to contact me much over the holidays and I decided to sit back and see what happens. 

Nothing. Nothing happened. 

I don’t care but the problem now is we still haven’t wrapped things up.  I tried to call him this past week, and he texted to say he was at work. I decided again to wait and see if he’d call me back.  

Still waiting. 

Meanwhile I went on a cruise with a friend at the beginning of the year. Cruises aren’t my favorite but we had a blast.  I also almost had a sugar daddy! He was on the cruise with his children  (21 and 16) after a divorce, and clearly took a liking to yours truly.  But I couldn’t even get past his ogling to consider anything else. Maybe the longer he’s single, the more he’ll realize you can’t just stare creepily at women. 

I also was strongly pursued by a very cute married guy. Why are the cute ones always already married? I made sure he stayed faithful but it blows my mind that he even hit on me while he was on the cruise WITH his wife. WTF.

And then there’s the young guy I’ve been seeing. We’ve had 3 really fun dates so far. But he’s 29. TWENTY-NINE. That’s a 10 year difference.  I’m officially a cougar. Not sure how I feel about that. 

But he’s interesting to me, and smart, and weirdly fucking nice.  And I cannot figure out if he’s really this nice,  or it’s just a game?   If it’s a game then he got what I would assume he wanted on our last date.  We had fabulous sex. I mean, the boy’s 29. He can go alllllllllll night.  

But now it’s the “is he still interested? ” part of the game. We’ve texted a bit since hooking up; he was out of town this weekend so we haven’t made plans to see each other again yet. I hope we do. 

But for now… I wait. 

We’d left things with a decision to meet again, and a few weeks after our first meeting, I was going to be in DC for work. I planned on staying through the weekend and going to the company Christmas party, so I invited him. He’s officially gone to more of my company parties than people I actually work with.

He got there Saturday afternoon, and from Saturday to Sunday, when we weren’t talking about DC landmarks, we talked about work. Again and again and again. I was so bored I thought my eyes would roll out of my head.

I also decided I wasn’t going to bring up anything important – I wanted to see if he wanted to bring it up, or at least learn more about my past. I still have questions about his, and just generally, I wanted to see if we could have a relaxed conversation about all things in life.

Nope. We cannot.

We do similar work, so I understand why it’s an easy fallback, but really – I have more chemistry with Lincoln’s statue than I do with him. We don’t laugh a lot when we’re together, we don’t chat about anything of substance, and when we do, we don’t agree.

As we drove through DC, there was homeless outreach going on and I said something to the effect of “That’s so nice” and he said something to the effect of “They should get a job.”

I almost lost it. I did go off a bit on him about the reasons homelessness exist in this country and how there’s no safety net and how it’s so hard to get out of once you’re in it, but I don’t know that he cared. I also don’t think it makes him a bad person, but it’s not how *I* think. I told my parents he said that and even they were incredulous. My mom’s response was “What address would they even give for a job?” EXACTLY MOM.

Then, we had a ridiculous conversation about kids playing sports. I have to read up on kids/sports/injuries for work and said that with all the information coming out around TBI (traumatic brain injury) and CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) I wouldn’t want my nieces or nephews playing a sport where the potential long term effects aren’t known yet, or they’re known but aren’t widely studied. You only have one brain, man. Keep it as sharp as you can for as long as you can. That’s my take.

His take was, “Well, I wouldn’t say no if my kid wanted to play. It’s their choice.”

My response to that was, “That’s why you’re the parent. Because you’re supposed to know better than a 7 year old.”

When I mentioned this to some friends, their response was, “Yeah, that’s why you see kids of these FOB parents running around all over the place with no discipline!”

And they’re right. There’s a fundamental difference that I can’t pinpoint, but even my sister’s seen it – she has fobby friends who are very sweet, but the kids, who were born here. OMG. Hellions. No structure, no guidance, no bedtimes, no nothing… they do whatever they want. And it’s an epidemic.

Anyway, he dropped me at the airport. Had our awkward side hug (oh, he stayed in the hotel room next to me. Not even a kiss goodnight after the party.) to say goodbye.

Since then? No calls. Just stupid texts: “How you doing? How’s work? My work is busy.”

I’m pretty much done and just need to call it. I think he is too. But I also think we have zero other options. BLAH.

A few months ago, my cousin introduced me to a new guy: me and this guy are the same age, we do extremely similar work, and we’re the same type of Indian. Basically on paper it looks like a match. I said I’d talk to him, even knowing he’s divorced (really, being divorced doesn’t bother me, but I do want to know why the marriage didn’t work.)

So we started chatting on the phone. The same inane conversations I always have with these guys: “So, how’s work? What’d you do for dinner? Do you like to cook? What kind of food do you like to make?”

The usual interview questions for the position of wife and CEO of the household.

But, he did seem genuinely nice and it’s not like I’m getting any younger, so I agreed to meet him. We hadn’t talked about ANYTHING important on the phone, but he offered to come down and visit me and we agreed on last weekend.

And, to his credit, before coming down, he even made dinner reservations on Saturday night at a super swanky place I’d been wanting to try. Initiative!

And, also to his credit, I took him to a work party after I picked up him from the airport (yup, our first time meeting in person and the first activity was with 20 coworkers) and he did great! He was nice and chatty. Friendly!

And, also also to his credit, he paid for everything all weekend. He even tried to buy me a piece of art I spotted in downtown though I wouldn’t let him. I offered to pay each time, since he flew down and had to get a hotel room too, but he wouldn’t let me. He even brought me earrings as a birthday gift. Generous!

So even with all these great things, he is FOB and with being a FOB comes the FOB love.

FOB love is what me and my friends call the overbearing, overwhelming, almost desperate behavior of Indian guys (from India) when it comes to women. There is no playing it cool or any games, which is great, but there is this never ending barrage of trying to help when no help is needed, or thinking that just buying things makes a relationship.

I sound like a bitch, which I am, but there’s no way to explain how irritating this is because it sounds great, right? Like who doesn’t want a guy that’s so concerned and helpful and generous? But it can be so smothering.

There were a lot of little things, but the best example is when I was dropping him off at the airport on Sunday. I was chatting about flying for Thanksgiving and how I thought ticket prices would be expensive and out of nowhere, he goes, “I have like 50,000 skymiles I’m not using. You can have them.”

My response: “Um… no. Look, we’re not dating. We’re not anything. We just met for the first time. I don’t want your skymiles, I have my own. I appreciate it, but no.”

I know that I sound ungrateful. But here’s the problem: I think he thinks buying me things (dinners, birthday gift, lunches, offering me skymiles) makes a relationship. It doesn’t.

We only talked ONCE about his divorce, and that’s because I brought it up. And of course, everything he said blamed her. Which, maybe it was mostly her fault, but as my mom says, “it takes two hands to clap.” I just never heard what the other hand did.

And we wouldn’t even have had that conversation if it was up to him. We didn’t talk about any other relationships (mine or his); we didn’t talk about sex; we didn’t talk about friends; we didn’t talk about family; we didn’t talk about anything of fucking substance. He has no idea about my past. And I don’t know about his. So I don’t want to be treated like a girlfriend when we’re not even really friends.

We chatted again today and it was the same stupid shit. “How was your day? What’s for dinner? Are you ready to travel?” It’s like the conversation never moves forward.

But that said, I did tell him that I thought we should meet again because I had more questions for him and he should have questions for me.

So we’re going to get together in a few weeks again.

Stay tuned….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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