currylove

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Well. Clearly,  the magic ring failed to do its duties. 

I have to admit I cried a bit upon hearing the royal engagement news yesterday… mostly blaming my PMS for the tears but also because I WANT THAT.  Have you seen their video? Their interaction??? They are so in love.  And it’s so sweet.  And I’m so jealous. 

I’ve had some changes in my life professionally but nothing personally. I took a temporary move to a new city…. it’s only been 2 weeks and I’m trying to be positive about this change.  But the options on Bumble are as shitty as they had been in Atlanta.

I started talking to a fobby Indian guy (because I never learn my lessons) – who also had moved from ATL.  We should have had so much to talk about. 

But same as always, I get a hundred “hey how’s it going” messages from him but nothing else.  He finally mentioned meeting up for coffee… i said yes, that’d be great!! And the next message went straight back to “hey how was work.” 

OH MY GOD LET’S JUST MEET. But I didn’t say that because I’m tired of having to push things.  So we haven’t met and probably never will. 

I don’t expect to be whisked away on safari as a second date. I just want someone to look at me the way Harry looks at Meghan and I want to look at someone the way she looks at him.  It doesn’t seem like it’s so much to ask for, even though it it clearly is.

But I’ll keep trying and hoping and praying even though I’m tired and damn jealous of not just royalty but everyone who’s found their special person.  The fairy tales say “some day your prince will come”… I can only hope that some day is sooner rather than later. 

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Back on Bumble. Fuck my life.

I matched with these guys and said my customary “hello ” as an opener.  I don’t waste a lot of time writing an intro because God knows what I’ll get back.

So… with that in mind,  that all I said was “hello” — I present to you the responses I received: 

The Doctor:

The random hottie (sent the same message when I didn’t respond to his first one.  And has not deleted the app):

The Indian FOB:

I am going to be alone forever. 

I haven’t written in a while… not because I’m wallowing in grief or despair but because I decided to make changes in my life that don’t involve a man. 

But you know what did involve men??? The New Kids on the Block tour  (with Paula  Abdul and Boyz 2 Men). 

Somehow my friend got us killer seats and we got to touch (not creepily touch, but like stick our hands out and let NKOTB grab them) TWO NEW KIDS. 40% SUCCESS RATE OF TOUCHING BAND MEMBERS (Jonathon and Jordan, for anyone who cares)!!!!!!!!

This is,  no joke, a wish I had from when I was a teenager and they were huge. I never got to go to their concerts back then so this was a fucking treat to start with and THEN I GOT TO BE A FANGIRL!!! 

I didn’t think I’d react the way I did but fuck.. my heart was racing, I was beyond excited, and it brought back those feelings of first crushes and being a giddy teenager. I may have even jumped up and down and screamed a bit.

I feel no shame 🙂

So when Philly was here, we’d been out to a bar where we ended up chatting with young guy (as in, still-in-college-just-turned-21). I remember meeting him and giving him advice on how he should find a sugar mama (and where he should do that). He drank with us a bit and was cute and fun and I probably flirted with him a bit more than I should’ve. He’d texted a few times after (I guess I gave him my number while drunk) and I lied and told him Philly was my boyfriend.

Well, last week, I got a text from a number I didn’t know. After a little back and forth, turned out it was this young guy! TWO YEARS LATER.

He said he found my number and just wanted to see how things were. I teased him about texting after 2 years and he said he thought “he’d take it slow” – which made me laugh. Then he asked if I still had boyfriend. NO. I DON’T. I NEVER DO. I NEVER DID. I didn’t respond to him because what’s the point?

I will generally never understand guys. Like, wtf – he just found my number and thought he’d take a shot? So strange. Weirdly flattering, but so so strange.

Yet, guys that I actually like that I *want* to hear from again… Nope. Never.

Then just a few days ago I met this woman who I ended up chatting to for quite a bit. She is 47 and married, and I legit thought she was in her late 20s (I asked for her skin care regimen – she said it’s just Asian genetics). Anyway, she asked about my status to which I replied I’m single. She was SHOCKED. As in, her mouth fell open. And I don’t think she was acting. She actually didn’t believe I was single, and then goes on to say:

Well, you must be VERY PICKY. Because you shouldn’t be single. You should have your choice of guys.

Yup. I’ve heard that before. And as one of my friends recently told me: “You have shit taste in men.”

How is my life summed up in a meme? Sigh. At least I’m on the only one who doesn’t understand this mystery:

howlove

 

 

 

 

 

So I finally heard from him on Wednesday with a text saying he’d been busy studying for a test (he’s in a master’s program). I responded on Thursday, because this is how it is now. 

No response back from him yet, and I don’t expect there to be. He got what he wanted. 

This one sucks because as much as I didn’t want to admit It, I kinda liked him. I haven’t liked anyone in a long time and it was fun to meet someone who seemed nice and normal.

I didn’t ask him to say things like “I like spending whatever time I can with you” or joke (I think he was joking) about planning  a beach trip. I guess in some ways those should have been flags because it was so weirdly nice and future-based.  But it was never strange or out of the blue,  it fit into our conversations. 

I can usually spot douches quickly but I clearly missed him.  But I wasn’t enamored with his words. I know better than that.  I was impressed with his actions. When we had our first date,  I offered to contribute to the check. His exact words were “No way. I want to see you again.” He didn’t let me pay for anything and we didn’t go to cheap places.  If all he wanted was sex, he could’ve got that from anyone else for much cheaper. 

And the worst part is the irony of all of this.  I would tease him about being so nice and tell him it’s weird… turned out he was only nice trying to get laid. Having sex allowed his inner asshole to shine. AND if he’d just been up front that he just wanted to get laid,  I would’ve been on the same page. That would have been fine with me! 

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure this one out. I’m mad at myself for being so upset about it… But I feel used, stupid, fat, and ugly. And I don’t know how to make these feelings and thoughts go away.  

So I haven’t heard from the 29 year old since Friday, the day after I spent the night. We texted a bit and that was that. I knew he’d gone out of town for the weekend so I texted Sunday to see how it went.  No response. He usually responds right away so I knew immediately this was different. 

I’ve learned enough to not believe what I’m told… So when he would talk about future trips for us or talked about how he only wanted to see me instead of other girls,  I rolled my eyes internally and smiled externally. I didn’t believe him. 

But there was enough action, I thought,  to back those things he said. And he seemed to be genuinely nice.  Like soooooo nice. How could he have hidden his inner asshole so well??? How did I not see through the things he said and did?  I slept with him because I never thought this would happen.

I had asked him why he wasn’t dating someone his own age and he said because they weren’t mature enough for him.  He said he liked how  smart I am and how I have my shit together.

That didn’t change because we slept together.  So what is it? What don’t I have? Why do I feel,  again, like I am not good enough? 

What makes me even sadder is that although I refused to admit it,  I liked hanging out with him.  He made me laugh and we had fun. And even more embarrassing,  I had just told some friends about him. I was excited to have met someone. 

Soooo …. what’s wrong with me? Why is he no longer interested?  I get on a basic level that he got what he wanted so he doesn’t have to put any more effort into it but this wasn’t like a week’s or month’s worth of effort. We’ve been chatting since December. We didn’t get to meet for the first time until February so we texted here and there, emailed when I was phoneless, conversed electronically in multiple ways. It was a lot of effort to keep in touch.

Soooo… all that effort was for one night? I can’t wrap my head around that. And maybe it’s as easy as that.  He got what he wanted. But he could’ve got that from anyone else, easier.

Soooo… because I can’t stop thinking about it & the effort & the things he did, not just said…. I dive into the “it’s me” portion of this post.

The problem is I don’t have answers. I can only think things like “I’m not pretty enough” or “I’m not good in bed” or “He didn’t like what he saw” or replay everything I did and try to figure out what I did wrong. There’s also just the basic “I must suck” thought.  But suck at what? Maybe just at life because it’s been 6 years since I started this blog and the same shit still happens.

I wish I could change whatever is wrong with me. I’m open to suggestions. 

And also I’m ashamed that I’m even writing  this,  especially  as the odds of hearing from him grow dimmer daily, but I still want to hear from him.  Maybe just because it’ll make me feel less like a loser. 

Let’s see… since the last post, things have gone nowhere with the last guy. He didn’t try to contact me much over the holidays and I decided to sit back and see what happens. 

Nothing. Nothing happened. 

I don’t care but the problem now is we still haven’t wrapped things up.  I tried to call him this past week, and he texted to say he was at work. I decided again to wait and see if he’d call me back.  

Still waiting. 

Meanwhile I went on a cruise with a friend at the beginning of the year. Cruises aren’t my favorite but we had a blast.  I also almost had a sugar daddy! He was on the cruise with his children  (21 and 16) after a divorce, and clearly took a liking to yours truly.  But I couldn’t even get past his ogling to consider anything else. Maybe the longer he’s single, the more he’ll realize you can’t just stare creepily at women. 

I also was strongly pursued by a very cute married guy. Why are the cute ones always already married? I made sure he stayed faithful but it blows my mind that he even hit on me while he was on the cruise WITH his wife. WTF.

And then there’s the young guy I’ve been seeing. We’ve had 3 really fun dates so far. But he’s 29. TWENTY-NINE. That’s a 10 year difference.  I’m officially a cougar. Not sure how I feel about that. 

But he’s interesting to me, and smart, and weirdly fucking nice.  And I cannot figure out if he’s really this nice,  or it’s just a game?   If it’s a game then he got what I would assume he wanted on our last date.  We had fabulous sex. I mean, the boy’s 29. He can go alllllllllll night.  

But now it’s the “is he still interested? ” part of the game. We’ve texted a bit since hooking up; he was out of town this weekend so we haven’t made plans to see each other again yet. I hope we do. 

But for now… I wait. 


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