currylove

Posts Tagged ‘being alone blows

So Mumbly called tonight. Why did he call? Because I haven’t had the balls to end things. I suck at it. I always hope they just get sick of me and end it themselves.

But it didn’t, so he called and flat out asked if I wanted to visit him.

No, I do not.

But I didn’t just say that. I stumbled and bumbled through why I thought we aren’t a match – focusing on the fact that we have a really hard time connecting and talking. He said he thinks that’s normal.

NO! It’s not! For a first date, to run out of topics? NO. We should be laughing and giggling and telling stories, not eating cake in silence.

I also said the distance was difficult, to which he pointed out rightly that I knew it was long distance to start with – he’s right, I did. So I couldn’t use it as a cop out.

I went back to the “I think we just have different personalities” – and he said, “well yeah, if you’re looking for someone better than me.”

THAT WAS NOT WHAT I SAID! I told him, “I didn’t mean better. I really meant different. We are just different, neither better nor worse.”

It broke my heart he said that, because I don’t really think that at all. But what has he been told before by other girls?

My parents are coming to stay for a bit, so I told we could “regroup” in December and see where things stand. First of all, why am I talking like I’m setting up a fucking work meeting? AND WHY DOESN’T THAT BOTHER HIM? It should.

But, I suck at ending things. And he doesn’t want to end things. So now it’s this awful limbo that I put him in and I feel guilty.

On the flip side… there’s no one knocking down my door. There’s no one that I’m dating. There’s not a better option. So maybe it’s good I didn’t end things completely? Maybe I should see where this mumbliness goes? We can be silent and mumbly together, with me thinking it’s weird and he thinking it’s normal???

I mean, that sounds horrible but the alternative is single forever.

I’d talked to this guy I met on an Indian dating site and after our first awkward discussion, 2 minutes into the 2nd conversation, he asked if he should come visit.

Sure. Why not. I’m not doing anything else anyway so he dutifully purchased his ticket and we had a day-long date this past weekend.

I appreciate that he was willing to fly in and out in one day, instead of staying over – knowing the date was going to end at a set point made it easier.

Not that he was horrible, he wasn’t. He’s fine. He’s also mumbly and sometimes I really could not hear what he was saying because he would mumble and then get softer and softer and softer until I literally had to ask “I’m sorry, what?”

For whatever reason, he really wanted to go go-karting. I offered a couple of other options, but he was stuck on go-karts. Ok, whatever. Let’s fucking pay money to drive in laps when I can just fill my own car up with gas and do the same damn thing.

So go-karting we went. I hated it. It’s not fun, I don’t like being that low to the ground and got lapped multiple times by teenage boys. ARGH.

We played some other arcade games and didn’t drink. DID NOT DRINK.  I was driving us all over the damn city so I didn’t feel like I should partake, but he didn’t drink either… I think he does? I didn’t ask, but maybe he was just being nice.

The thing is, the day was fine. He was fine. But do I want to have babies with him? No. If we were just going to be room-mates, sure, it’d be no problem. But he’s so quiet and he literally said about himself that he’s a “loner” (his words). I’m not.

I think my parents have been right all along…all the good ones are taken.

chocolates

I’m not a huge believer in astrology but weird things happened this week that actually made me say out loud “Is Mercury in retrograde??” And after I said it, I realized my office door was open and prayed nobody heard me sound like a hippie dippie nutter.

On Monday, I received what I thought was spam but turned out to be an email from the bartender I flirted with when I was in Namibia. THREE YEARS AGO.

It was short and to the point and he basically said he was thinking about “how much fun we had all those years ago.” Which is sweet but what’s odd is that we never did anything. NOTHING. I gave him a small kiss the last night but not even any tongue!! I spent 2 weeks flirting with him and he spent 2 weeks flirting back, bringing me drinks and food that I paid for and that was that.

It’s flattering but strange to hear from him.

The next day, which is what caused my astrological outburst, I got a text from my old trainer. Last I heard from him, about a month or two ago, he wanted to grab drinks with  me before he moved… He moved, drinks never happened.

So on Tuesday I get a text from him out of the blue seeing if I want to go lunch while he’s back in town, which I couldn’t. Then he proceeds to try to set up lunch for this coming week  and says:

I’ve really wanted alone time with you ever since I used to flirt and train you. But lunch is just us and you can’t tell anyone, deal?

No, jackass. No deal. I’m not super interested in a SECRET LUNCH. Wtf.

How is lunch “alone time”? Who says “alone time”?  Why does it have to be secret?? Is he engaged again? Is he just a weirdo who can’t get his shit together?

I said no to lunch but that’d I’d be open to meeting another time. I don’t think it’ll happen so not too concerned about it.

Sigh. Mercury needs to get its ass back into line.

Last year at this time, I was nervously sitting on a plane next to a half-naked Russian, on my way to Edinburgh. I didn’t know if British would remember to come get me or what I was getting myself into.

This year, I left work, got about two blocks, heard a “thump…thump…thump” as I drove and realized there was a nail in my tire. I sat at the gas station waiting for my roadside assistance and bought a lottery ticket while I was there. (Wouldn’t that be an even better story for next year??? Keep your fingers crossed.) And then went to the mall to spend money I shouldn’t be spending. I just didn’t want to come home and be alone.

I hate that I still open my email and sometimes, out of nowhere, I get this thought that I’ll have an email from him. Spoiler alert: I never do. It’s now a year to the day of the only time we ever met. He never put the effort or time in to coming here – and that still hurts, a lot, mostly because it’s a reminder of what an idiot I was. Possibly still am.

He left me with so much doubt about myself – Why wasn’t I good enough for him? Why didn’t he love me enough? What was missing in me that he would rather end it on Facebook than try to make it work? Why didn’t he want to give us a second chance?

And I know that it was never me… it was always his issues, and nothing I could’ve said or done would’ve changed any of that. And I know that if we’d stayed together beyond last Christmas, the outcome was going to be the same, just delayed and more hurtful. He had given me enough signs and flat out told me things that I chose to ignore because I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted to believe I was different, stupid girl that I am. UGH.

Honestly though, I don’t think I’m crying over him anymore. It’s everything else. It’s a year later and NOTHING is fucking different, except we’re not together. But, given that we were never really together, even that’s not so different. I haven’t met anyone new that I’ve sparked with. My job hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would. I am completely underwater on the mortgage for my place. (I actually just wrote out my property-tax check…. it’s so devalued, it’s worth less than a Port-a-Potty. Fucking awesome.)

I have never felt so stagnant in my life and it’s killing me. I look at my friends who are married and raising their kids and I’m nowhere near being in the same place. 30. My magic number had been 30: Married, 3 kids, great job. All by 30. Nope. Didn’t happen.

But, even with all of that, I know I don’t have it bad. At all. My job, regardless of how I feel about it, more than pays my bills and takes me to exotic destinations that I would have never otherwise seen. My friends, who I love, listen to me and put up with my bullshit and are amazing. My family, who drive me nuts in the best possible way, loves me and wants the best for me. I have more than a lot of people ever do and ever will.

When I was waiting for the auto-repair guy, I watched a man – very skinny, 80’s looking jeans that were barely staying up, a strange “crop-top” button down shirt that seemed like it was for a kid, big bushy hair in a ponytail, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I decided in the 3 seconds that I watched him that he’s a meth-addict. He went in and I was curious to see what he would buy… nothing. He came out with a black bag, some papers, and then went through the trash and left.

So fuck it…  At least I’m not going through trash for food, or money or anything else.

But still, this is how I feel for now (and here’s hoping something changes, soon):

 

Alone

Posted on: March 3, 2012

I woke up this morning sadder than sad. Today was the first weekend in years that my family isn’t around. For the past two years, I’d gone to see them almost every weekend. For the past few months, I’d basically moved in with them from Friday night to Saturday morning. Whether I was dating someone or not, the constant was always them – I knew I would see them and hang out and have some chai, no matter what time of day it was.

I knew it’d be hard after they left, but I guess I didn’t even realize myself how much I had gotten used to being around them. I jokingly told a friend of mine that I’d be moving in with her on the weekends now – she said I could but I can’t. Not really. Even though I kind of want to…

Talked to my cousin earlier and she said I had to get out of the house, that I couldn’t sit and cry softly by myself, even though that’s all I wanted to do. So I took her advice and ran some errands and I guess because spring is in the air, all I saw around me were girls with the biggest fucking engagement rings ever. Which just made me angrier and sadder than I already was. And then, I found out a friend got engaged. And am I nice enough to be happy for him? Sure, for a second. And then I just got mad all over again.

It just makes me question why haven’t I found the right guy – and when I do find the ones I think are right, why don’t they want to put time and effort into wanting to be with me? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I worth the energy and commitment that other girls clearly are? Why am I not good enough? These aren’t fair questions and I know these feelings will pass – I’m just in a massive funk – but fuck if they don’t run on an endless loop sometimes.


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