currylove

Posts Tagged ‘being indian

A few months ago, my cousin introduced me to a new guy: me and this guy are the same age, we do extremely similar work, and we’re the same type of Indian. Basically on paper it looks like a match. I said I’d talk to him, even knowing he’s divorced (really, being divorced doesn’t bother me, but I do want to know why the marriage didn’t work.)

So we started chatting on the phone. The same inane conversations I always have with these guys: “So, how’s work? What’d you do for dinner? Do you like to cook? What kind of food do you like to make?”

The usual interview questions for the position of wife and CEO of the household.

But, he did seem genuinely nice and it’s not like I’m getting any younger, so I agreed to meet him. We hadn’t talked about ANYTHING important on the phone, but he offered to come down and visit me and we agreed on last weekend.

And, to his credit, before coming down, he even made dinner reservations on Saturday night at a super swanky place I’d been wanting to try. Initiative!

And, also to his credit, I took him to a work party after I picked up him from the airport (yup, our first time meeting in person and the first activity was with 20 coworkers) and he did great! He was nice and chatty. Friendly!

And, also also to his credit, he paid for everything all weekend. He even tried to buy me a piece of art I spotted in downtown though I wouldn’t let him. I offered to pay each time, since he flew down and had to get a hotel room too, but he wouldn’t let me. He even brought me earrings as a birthday gift. Generous!

So even with all these great things, he is FOB and with being a FOB comes the FOB love.

FOB love is what me and my friends call the overbearing, overwhelming, almost desperate behavior of Indian guys (from India) when it comes to women. There is no playing it cool or any games, which is great, but there is this never ending barrage of trying to help when no help is needed, or thinking that just buying things makes a relationship.

I sound like a bitch, which I am, but there’s no way to explain how irritating this is because it sounds great, right? Like who doesn’t want a guy that’s so concerned and helpful and generous? But it can be so smothering.

There were a lot of little things, but the best example is when I was dropping him off at the airport on Sunday. I was chatting about flying for Thanksgiving and how I thought ticket prices would be expensive and out of nowhere, he goes, “I have like 50,000 skymiles I’m not using. You can have them.”

My response: “Um… no. Look, we’re not dating. We’re not anything. We just met for the first time. I don’t want your skymiles, I have my own. I appreciate it, but no.”

I know that I sound ungrateful. But here’s the problem: I think he thinks buying me things (dinners, birthday gift, lunches, offering me skymiles) makes a relationship. It doesn’t.

We only talked ONCE about his divorce, and that’s because I brought it up. And of course, everything he said blamed her. Which, maybe it was mostly her fault, but as my mom says, “it takes two hands to clap.” I just never heard what the other hand did.

And we wouldn’t even have had that conversation if it was up to him. We didn’t talk about any other relationships (mine or his); we didn’t talk about sex; we didn’t talk about friends; we didn’t talk about family; we didn’t talk about anything of fucking substance. He has no idea about my past. And I don’t know about his. So I don’t want to be treated like a girlfriend when we’re not even really friends.

We chatted again today and it was the same stupid shit. “How was your day? What’s for dinner? Are you ready to travel?” It’s like the conversation never moves forward.

But that said, I did tell him that I thought we should meet again because I had more questions for him and he should have questions for me.

So we’re going to get together in a few weeks again.

Stay tuned….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So last week, Thursday, I called home and my mom gave me an email address from a matrimonial ad in the paper. It was the usual, “40 year old doctor, innocently divorced, seeking suitable match.”

Mom says:

“Make sure you right today. It’s Thursday – it’s a good day.”

As soon as she said that, all I could think was how does she still believe??? I sent my med school applications on a ‘good day’, I’m not a doctor. I have sent countless emails to these guys on ‘good days,’ I’m not married yet. I’ve done so many things on ‘good days’ and it doesn’t fucking matter one single iota.

But she does believe, and so I emailed this innocent divorcee on a good day, knowing full well I’ll never hear back.

She asked me today if I got an email back and I kind of giggled and said,

“No Mommy. There’s not going to be one.”

And she let out this heavy sigh and goes,

“Why are they so dumb? Why do they put an ad in the paper if they don’t really want to write to anyone? They should AT LEAST write back and say they’re not interested.”

Yes! I agree! Be slightly professional about it! I mean, I seriously doubt this dude is getting so many flipping emails that he can’t keep up. But what I do think is probably happening is that he is getting at least a few responses from women that are 10-15 years younger than me, and that’s probably more appealing than a 38 year old.

Even though I would be a suitable match.

 

 

Today, I got a message on bumble from some white guy who did the usual blah blah blah and then, out of nowhere, says, “I like your color!!”

Ummm thanks?

So I guess the thing is, I’m not surprised – clearly I expect guys who aren’t Indian to self-select in dating someone who isn’t whatever color they are. But I don’t expect it to come out so fetishized.

I didn’t respond right away, so a few hours later I got another message from him that asked, “Was I too eager?”

I finally had a chance to reply and just said that his comment about color threw me, and I’d never had anyone say that to me before ever meeting.  He then goes on to say, “I just like darker girls!”

And then BECAUSE THIS IS ALL I HAVE NOW … I found myself thinking, “Well, at least he’s already attracted to me. Maybe this could be ok.”

Because, though I haven’t blogged about them, I did have a bunch of first dates that were SO BORING. They were all Indian guys, who I’m sure wanted to go out with me because I’m Indian, so how is this any different? Would it be reverse discrimination if I didn’t go out with this White Guy with a Fetish??

I don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

So there was all this flurry of activity of a potential new match: Doctor, divorced, same age as me, etc etc. The usual.

Dad sends me an email telling me to ask around to see if any of my friends know him. Mom calls his mom directly. The conversation they had follows:

My Mom (giving some information): She was born in ’77.

His mom (being a bitch): Oh, we’re looking for someone who’s 30 or 31.

My Mom (being awesome): Ok, good luck. Bye. *CLICK*

MOM HUNG UP ON THIS WOMAN!!! This woman who thinks her doctor son, who has a child, is going to trap some young babe into marrying him. Which, who knows, maybe he will. Who cares? Not me.

Mom then tells me, “Yeah, he plays cricket, which I thought was weird for a boy born here, so I wanted to make sure about some things.” And then she laughs and says, “They’re stupid.”

She totally listened to all the clues and did her research!!! I am so proud!

Meanwhile, any boy’s mom who says “WE” are looking for someone definitely means that I am not the someone who they’re looking for. Single is better than trapped.

 

 

 

And I’ve had ONE FUCKING DATE. ONE.

A DATE.

Jesus Christ I should just buy my 50 cats now and succumb to the inevitable.

“How was the date?” I hear you asking.

I showed up at the chosen location, and there was a bit of a line for the hostess table. I essentially almost ran into him as he was at the end of the line, and when I did realize it was him, I also realized I was LOOKING DOWN AT HIM TO SAY HELLO.

I’m 5’2″ (157.5 cm for my metric readers). I was hearing boots with about a 1 inch heel. That made me a grand total of 5’3″.  And I was looking DOWN at him.

BUT! Even still! We had a decent date! Conversation was good, it was semi-flirty. I mean, I wasn’t gonna sleep with him, but I wasn’t repulsed. That’s a good date these days.

He even gave me a ride home at the end of the night. I texted him to say thanks for dinner/drinks and wished him a fun time at the festival he was going to the next day. I even left an opening: “Tell me how it is!”

He texted back a couple of hours later to say “If you ever want to try that new Indian place, let me know.”

And that was that. Never heard from him again.

cat lady

 

 

 

 

So Mumbly called tonight. Why did he call? Because I haven’t had the balls to end things. I suck at it. I always hope they just get sick of me and end it themselves.

But it didn’t, so he called and flat out asked if I wanted to visit him.

No, I do not.

But I didn’t just say that. I stumbled and bumbled through why I thought we aren’t a match – focusing on the fact that we have a really hard time connecting and talking. He said he thinks that’s normal.

NO! It’s not! For a first date, to run out of topics? NO. We should be laughing and giggling and telling stories, not eating cake in silence.

I also said the distance was difficult, to which he pointed out rightly that I knew it was long distance to start with – he’s right, I did. So I couldn’t use it as a cop out.

I went back to the “I think we just have different personalities” – and he said, “well yeah, if you’re looking for someone better than me.”

THAT WAS NOT WHAT I SAID! I told him, “I didn’t mean better. I really meant different. We are just different, neither better nor worse.”

It broke my heart he said that, because I don’t really think that at all. But what has he been told before by other girls?

My parents are coming to stay for a bit, so I told we could “regroup” in December and see where things stand. First of all, why am I talking like I’m setting up a fucking work meeting? AND WHY DOESN’T THAT BOTHER HIM? It should.

But, I suck at ending things. And he doesn’t want to end things. So now it’s this awful limbo that I put him in and I feel guilty.

On the flip side… there’s no one knocking down my door. There’s no one that I’m dating. There’s not a better option. So maybe it’s good I didn’t end things completely? Maybe I should see where this mumbliness goes? We can be silent and mumbly together, with me thinking it’s weird and he thinking it’s normal???

I mean, that sounds horrible but the alternative is single forever.

I’d talked to this guy I met on an Indian dating site and after our first awkward discussion, 2 minutes into the 2nd conversation, he asked if he should come visit.

Sure. Why not. I’m not doing anything else anyway so he dutifully purchased his ticket and we had a day-long date this past weekend.

I appreciate that he was willing to fly in and out in one day, instead of staying over – knowing the date was going to end at a set point made it easier.

Not that he was horrible, he wasn’t. He’s fine. He’s also mumbly and sometimes I really could not hear what he was saying because he would mumble and then get softer and softer and softer until I literally had to ask “I’m sorry, what?”

For whatever reason, he really wanted to go go-karting. I offered a couple of other options, but he was stuck on go-karts. Ok, whatever. Let’s fucking pay money to drive in laps when I can just fill my own car up with gas and do the same damn thing.

So go-karting we went. I hated it. It’s not fun, I don’t like being that low to the ground and got lapped multiple times by teenage boys. ARGH.

We played some other arcade games and didn’t drink. DID NOT DRINK.  I was driving us all over the damn city so I didn’t feel like I should partake, but he didn’t drink either… I think he does? I didn’t ask, but maybe he was just being nice.

The thing is, the day was fine. He was fine. But do I want to have babies with him? No. If we were just going to be room-mates, sure, it’d be no problem. But he’s so quiet and he literally said about himself that he’s a “loner” (his words). I’m not.

I think my parents have been right all along…all the good ones are taken.

chocolates


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