Posts Tagged ‘boys suck

So a couple of months back my parents found this guy somehow and I ended up chatting with him on whatsapp. Without further ado, let the texts speak for themselves:


Text1 Text2 Text3 Text4 Text5


Why did it take me so long to post these?  I was just so annoyed. SO ANNOYED.

Asshole basically called me a judgmental gold digger.

I told my parents the story and had more than a high pitched voice and was telling them how awful he was, and my dad just goes:

Why are you getting all upset? Just don’t talk to him.

Which made me laugh because that was what I was going to do anyway, but I was all prepped for a fight with them about how I had to keep trying and how he probably wasn’t so bad but no.

Even they’ve given up hope now.

Dad even said,

If he texts you again, just tell him that he can’t start a relationship on the wrong foot. The ship already sailed!

Mixed metaphor, but yes, he’s right.

Luckily, I never heard from this douche again.






So, I was going to delete my Indian dating profile because it’s fucking useless and then this guy who reached out to me caught my eye.

Attractive, physician, a couple of years older than me… only issue was he lives in California.  But, I emailed him back because you never know, and he sent an email response almost immediately.

He wanted to skip the emailing and go straight to the phone, which was fine. We played phone tag for a little bit, but finally chatted tonight.



Ummmm….. YOU contacted ME, asswipe. YOU knew I don’t live anywhere near California, but still reached out. YOU should’ve known that you didn’t want to deal with long distance BEFORE emailing someone on the other side of the country.

As we chatted and it’s becoming clear he thinks the distance is too big, he goes on to say, in a voice that’s trailing off:

Well, we can still talk, you know, feel free to reach out and call me and I’ll do the same and maybe we can meet up.

Feel free to fuck yourself.

That’s harsh, but really, I’m not calling…. I would’ve made effort if he wasn’t already so defeatist.

Who knows, maybe he’ll have some shit dates and reach out like all the other assholes, but I’m not putting effort into something that the other person thinks is doomed from the start. What’s the point of wasting my time?






I have no intro for this post, let’s just go straight to the weirdo. This was the first email I got from an Indian guy on Match:

Hey There,
I came across your profile and it was a good read…a hedonist at heart; and that’s not a sarcastic remark…We are similar

Sorry in advance if this comes of random, not my style. =) But I will be in Atlanta on July 24-27 and thought it would be a great idea to meet. Maybe meet for Fun drinks, almond milk, Metamucil, or the green concoction dr. oz makes, just no yager-bombs please! To be completely honest, I am not looking for a cheap hookup and i apologize in advance if it comes of any other way; my intention is to meet and being open to he possibility of “what if”. what if we get married and have 7 unborn boys! ;P

What are your thoughts to this? Am I being ridiculous? I hope this message finds you well



Ok…  completely over the top, Jager is spelled wrong, random regular words are capitalized and misspelled, I think he *is* looking for a cheap hook up and stream of consciousness is exactly his style.


And why would we have 7 unborn boys? Is he wishing miscarriages on me?


Or… is he a FOB pretending to NOT be a FOB by saying things he thinks someone born here would say? (Yes, the answer is yes to the FOB question. The 7 unborn boys…I have no fucking idea. I give up trying to understand these nutcases.)


But, I am desperate, as we know. So I responded with this:

Hello! I don’t think we use the word “hedonist” in the same way, because I don’t think that’s what I am… but I guess it’s not a bad thing…

Sure, I’d be up for meeting when you’re here. What will you be in town for?

And yes, it does look like you’re looking for a cheap hook up, but since I”m not, no worries about that 😉



I didn’t expect much of a response, since I basically told him he doesn’t understand what words mean, but I got this:



thanks for your warm email, It’s what any man coming into a new city would want to feel. Your email really was sweet and made me feel special. I want to take a crazy leap with you.if you are around, I want to see you both days for sure. AM I bring crazy, it’s the only way to be. I’m smiling.

I’m coming for a big family function on Saturday; can I sneak you in? Are you spontaneous enough? I am staying at the XYZ hotel in midtown.

What are you thoughts of long distance relationship? Would you come visit me in NYC??

Let’s graduate to phone & text. What’s your number? My cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx.



NO. I DID NOT TEXT HIM. (Or even email him back after that … I’m open to a lot, but this is just like inviting a stalker in.)





Seriously, what is he on? God.  He’s already exhausting with his “crazy leap” and “see you for both days for sure.”


And yes, he is bringing the crazy. BIG TIME.







I paid for Match again and I’m so fucking pissed at myself for doing so.

Who was the first guy to contact me?!?

Irish Drunkard.

He emails and says:

I just rejoined match, remember me? Its a pity we lost touch, I still think about you now and again, I actually looked for your number recently in my old phone but not there, do you want to reconnect? I hope all is well with you 🙂


Why? Why is he thinking of me? We had ONE date, where he was drunk THE WHOLE TIME. ONE drunken date.

So I emailed just to be nice, but didn’t engage any discussion of meeting up again.

Over the next few days, I got this:


I just got back from Ireland this week, and very fairly jetlagged. What are your plans for the weekend? maybe we can grab lunch and catch up?



Hi CurryLove! How was your 4th? You thought I’d forget your name! ha. Its a tricky one 🙂 Hope all is well



Good morning, I never heard back from ya! I hope I didn’t get your name wrong 🙂 It’d be great to see you again. Text me if you want, quicker..Hope you’re doing well.


Ok, so after that last one, I felt like I HAD to email him back:

Sorry for the delay, I just wasn’t getting on here during the holiday.

I think we’re probably better as friends than anything else, but I appreciate you wanting to reconnect.

How has match been going for you this time around?


And this was what he wrote back:

not interested..


UMMMMM………. Is he reiterating that I’m not interested? Because he’s correct.

Is he telling me that HE’S not interested? Because that’s fantastic.

I guess the answer doesn’t matter because I’m off the hook either way, but my friend’s boyfriend did say he was probably just trying to make me feel bad and trolling for a response. Didn’t fall for that one…. finally.




So WAY back in December, on Tinder, I accidentally right swiped this FOB.  He texted me IMMEDIATELY. As in, I still had the phone in my hand.

He seemed harmless so I chatted with him a bit, and he asked me to go to the movies on a Saturday evening. I had fuck-all better to do, so I said yes.

Fast forward past the day we were SUPPOSED to go out. Yes, SUPPOSED TO.

Please tell me how I got stood up by a FOB? Cause I just don’t understand anymore – but in any case, I didn’t hear from him all weekend, which was fine with me as I hadn’t really wanted to go in the first place.

A couple of days later, he texts and I ask him what happened to our plans?  He said he had to go help his friend buy a car.

All weekend? So busy that he couldn’t once text to say he couldn’t make our date, meanwhile he texts a thousand times otherwise?

Okkkkaaaaaayyy. Whatever. Luckily, I didn’t really care, but I was annoyed at myself. Here I was, trying to do something nice and different for me, and go out with someone I normally wouldn’t go out with because I AM SERIOUSLY TRYING HARD, and I still get stood up! WHAT THE FUCK.

He asked if I wanted to reschedule, and I very sincerely (truly, I was not mean) told him that he seemed like a nice guy, but I didn’t really want to bother rescheduling when he couldn’t be bothered to tell me that HE had needed to reschedule. I wished him luck in his search and thought that was it.

Since then, he’s texted monthly, waiting for a response, which I never provide. I ignore them all.

Ok, not true – I check my phone, roll my eyes, then screenshot that shit to my friends so everyone can giggle. It’s kind of mean, but seriously, the missed date (ONE MISSED DATE) was 6 months ago! GET OVER IT!

I’ve thought about blocking his number, but now I’m kind of curious to see how long this can go. Like, is he going to text for a full year without a reply from me?  If he put this much effort in to a girl that responded, he’d probably be married by now.


The Beginning (he’s in white, I’m in green, which should be clear  because the green never comes back):



It continues:



And continues….


And it’s not just on whatsapp – I’m stone hearted on regular text too:



AND THEN… HE TRICKED ME!!!!! WITH A DIFFERENT NUMBER!!!!!!!(I’m in the blue, of course)



I would really like to know where he got the new number, because since then, he’s gone back to texting me from the original number I had for him.

Does he have burner phones? Did he use his friend’s phone? What’d he tell his friend when he asked to use the phone?? That he wanted to text some girl he was supposed to meet, but blew off, and now he’s weirdly obsessed??

Also, does he think I sit around hating him? I don’t need to “let anything go” – I have no desire to meet him. I let go of that desire pretty damn quickly.  I think he believes I’m still “mad” at him.

It’s really weird, but honestly I’d be  more scared if he wasn’t Indian.

This is just how FOBs are because they’ve never learned to date like a normal person, so everything’s way more heightened – a date is MORE than a date, it means possible marriage. A chat on text is MORE than just a chat, it’s the gateway to a future together.

And, I do think sometimes this is why they can do well with the right person… where I think it’s over the top, weird, stalker-y and gross, to the right woman, it can come across as romantic, determined and full of desire.

I’m sure there is some girl out there who would be flattered by the attention.  He just needs to find her, and stop texting me. 😉




1) Hubba Hubba – no text, no nothing. Clearly he’s not going to “make up” anything. Whatever.

2) Cool Fob – called last week on Wednesday, I didn’t pick up. I texted him Thursday to say, “I thought we were supposed to go out on Sunday” and he texted back “Let’s meet tonight or tomorrow.”

I said no because I had plans, which was true, and I was annoyed.

He texted back “When you can meet?”

I didn’t respond, because clearly I could’ve met on the night he blew off.

3) Asshole who sent a pic of his dead dog:  I sent him my number. He said he would call. He never called.

4) Guy I had a date with on Friday night: Nothing offensive, was nice. Never heard from him again, but that’s fine with me as I didn’t bother reaching out to him either. He had a black card, though. Maybe I should’ve tried harder.

5) Gay who doesn’t know he’s gay: Texts enough to keep in touch. I text back. I’m in no mood to continue chatting, but he’s harmless so….  it’s the gays for the win!







Honestly, if these weren’t my own stories, I wouldn’t even believe them at this point.  But I swear, every word I write is true, so buckle in for the next adventure/horror story.

I met Hubba Hubba for dinner last night after a day of trading funny/sexy/cute texts.  He walks in to the restaurant looking HOT.  Well dressed and as cute as I remember.

We both order the same thing, and have a fun chat about nothing important. He tells me he worked out for 3 hours (WTF) and ate a whole pizza right before he came to dinner.

He is possibly not as smart as I gave him credit for…

Half-way through dinner, he goes to the bathroom…. I am seriously thinking he’s bulimic at this point. But, he comes back and as we finish up, he suggests another place to go drinking and thinks I should park my car at his place and we can walk over together.

I point out that it seems like a ploy to get in my pants, and he laughs and says, super sexily:

I’m not trying to convince you to sleep with me. You made it clear you weren’t going to. I like you. And I like that you’re a challenge.

Sigh. I get what he’s saying, but it’s such a double-edged sword (no pun intended). If I had slept with him already, a la The Bod, then the chase is over and it’s no longer fun. If I haven’t slept with him, then it’s just fun until the conquest happens.

Seriously, does my personality suck that bad that nobody wants to stick around longer than that?!?!!? I’m starting to get a complex.

Anyway, we discussed over dinner how much he hates to talk on the phone, which is important later. We walk out, he kisses me at the car, and I drive to his place to pick him up and go to the next bar (just a few blocks over) together.

I wait a LONG time in front of his place and then through a series of miscommunications on text, because he will not fucking pick up the phone, I end up at the bar because I thought he was there, while he was actually still waiting at his condo for me to come get him.

So I’m at the bar, and he’s supposedly heading over, except it’s been a really long time AGAIN.

I finally get this text:

Can we plan a different night for drinks. Don’t think I’ll be much fun tonight.

Ummm…. that is not the text you send when drinks have been already planned and one party is already at the chosen location.

I was fucking pissed.

So I write back:

So I should leave because you’re not coming here?

He responds:

Yeah I’m really sorry. I’m feeling horrible. I’ll make it up to ya….

I left and came home. Then an hour later, I get this:

Hey, I’m feeling pretty drained and kinda sick in the stomach region.

It seems to me that the texts came out of order, because that last one should’ve come first, right? Or maybe he was just covering for himself or maybe he’s just a dummy.

I texted him to feel better, and I later heard this from him:

Thanks. I just threw up for an hour but a bit better now.


So he was literally in the bathroom the entire time he wasn’t showing up to drinks. I wonder if he has some weird IBS, what with all the restroom visits during dinner?? Maybe he’s my soulmate.

Or maybe he’s doing cocaine every time he goes, which is why it takes so long. Hell if I know anything anymore.

In any case, not surprisingly, my stomach was all sorts of jacked up last night after dinner too. The pasta didn’t set well with either of us, though I’m willing to bet his was due to a ridiculous amount of food in his tummy and mine was my usual issues.

Anyway, I did cry after I got home, and was pooping. (The irony.) Truthfully, I assumed he didn’t show up because he knew he wasn’t getting laid.

Now that it’s been 24 hours, I think he probably was legitimately sick, which is excusable. What’s not excusable is his inability to PICK UP THE PHONE and tell me that. I guess he was probably embarrassed? If he really wants to make it up to me, he can ask and figure it out (flowers, a massage, chocolates would be a start).

But I’m not holding my breath.



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