Posts Tagged ‘funny



Jesus Christ I should just buy my 50 cats now and succumb to the inevitable.

“How was the date?” I hear you asking.

I showed up at the chosen location, and there was a bit of a line for the hostess table. I essentially almost ran into him as he was at the end of the line, and when I did realize it was him, I also realized I was LOOKING DOWN AT HIM TO SAY HELLO.

I’m 5’2″ (157.5 cm for my metric readers). I was hearing boots with about a 1 inch heel. That made me a grand total of 5’3″.  And I was looking DOWN at him.

BUT! Even still! We had a decent date! Conversation was good, it was semi-flirty. I mean, I wasn’t gonna sleep with him, but I wasn’t repulsed. That’s a good date these days.

He even gave me a ride home at the end of the night. I texted him to say thanks for dinner/drinks and wished him a fun time at the festival he was going to the next day. I even left an opening: “Tell me how it is!”

He texted back a couple of hours later to say “If you ever want to try that new Indian place, let me know.”

And that was that. Never heard from him again.

cat lady






So a couple of months back my parents found this guy somehow and I ended up chatting with him on whatsapp. Without further ado, let the texts speak for themselves:


Text1 Text2 Text3 Text4 Text5


Why did it take me so long to post these?  I was just so annoyed. SO ANNOYED.

Asshole basically called me a judgmental gold digger.

I told my parents the story and had more than a high pitched voice and was telling them how awful he was, and my dad just goes:

Why are you getting all upset? Just don’t talk to him.

Which made me laugh because that was what I was going to do anyway, but I was all prepped for a fight with them about how I had to keep trying and how he probably wasn’t so bad but no.

Even they’ve given up hope now.

Dad even said,

If he texts you again, just tell him that he can’t start a relationship on the wrong foot. The ship already sailed!

Mixed metaphor, but yes, he’s right.

Luckily, I never heard from this douche again.





So, I was going to delete my Indian dating profile because it’s fucking useless and then this guy who reached out to me caught my eye.

Attractive, physician, a couple of years older than me… only issue was he lives in California.  But, I emailed him back because you never know, and he sent an email response almost immediately.

He wanted to skip the emailing and go straight to the phone, which was fine. We played phone tag for a little bit, but finally chatted tonight.



Ummmm….. YOU contacted ME, asswipe. YOU knew I don’t live anywhere near California, but still reached out. YOU should’ve known that you didn’t want to deal with long distance BEFORE emailing someone on the other side of the country.

As we chatted and it’s becoming clear he thinks the distance is too big, he goes on to say, in a voice that’s trailing off:

Well, we can still talk, you know, feel free to reach out and call me and I’ll do the same and maybe we can meet up.

Feel free to fuck yourself.

That’s harsh, but really, I’m not calling…. I would’ve made effort if he wasn’t already so defeatist.

Who knows, maybe he’ll have some shit dates and reach out like all the other assholes, but I’m not putting effort into something that the other person thinks is doomed from the start. What’s the point of wasting my time?






Fuck  my life.

No, actually, fuck my non existent love life.  The rest of my life is fine, fun even. But the romance department? Just ugh.

I’ve been semi-talking to this doctor that my parents introduced me too. We’ve had a hard time connecting with schedules that are pretty opposite, but recently we’ve been able to chat.

On Monday, we talked for a bit but he was on call and also getting his dad’s new phone set up, so we kept it short – he got a couple of calls from the answering service and then got to his dad’s place, so needed to go. No big deal.

Wednesday we talked for about 10 minutes. In those 10 minutes, he apologized MULTIPLE times for  (1) it having been so hard to catch each other and (2) for having to put me on hold a few times on Monday. He started with an apology. Midway he provided another apology. He ended with TWO apologies.


Which… I finally said. Not so meanly, but firmly.  I guess he’s trying to be nice/polite, but CLEARLY he doesn’t know who he’s talking to. Treat me like shit and I’ll be so much more captivated. (Sadly only semi-joking about that.)

Also in those 10 minutes, he told me how his nephew called him bald. Except the story wasn’t that short. FIRST I had to listen to where the kid’s car seat was positioned in the car. WHO CARES. WHO FUCKING CARES. And then I had to hear how his nephew ‘cutely’ asked him, “Why is your hair running away?”

….. I don’t think he’s lying, but who the hell is his nephew? Is he taking lessons from Michelle on Full House?

AND THEN. THEN…. to cap off this entire conversation (which has so far been apologies and weird kid stories), he was doing laundry and says, “Oh wow. I just noticed I had on two different colors of beige socks today!”

Beige socks.

Fuck my love life.





So when Philly was here, we went on our bar crawl. After drinking many many many drinks, we decided to take a break for some food.

We found some seats and asked our bartender what he liked better: the tofu tacos or the tofu philly cheesesteak.

He said he liked the tacos, but we blew off his recc and went with the philly.

Out comes our food and I take a big drunken bite.

It’s delicious. I literally thought:

This is the best tofu I’ve ever had!

And then, we looked at the food.

And even looking at it, I couldn’t figure out how they made the tofu so delicious and yummy and …brown.

And then Philly double checked with the bartender that we actually had the tofu version of the cheesesteak and not the beefy version.

Turns out the reason the tofu was so damn delicious was because it was MEAT.

I haven’t had red meat in about 20 years.


Now, I’m not reverting to a carnivore any time soon, and I was PISSED about the mix-up. But, we should’ve checked our food and not trust some dummy behind the bar, who chalked it up to ‘miscommunication.’

But what really pissed me off? MORE than being given something I haven’t eaten in two decades?? THE ASSHOLE TRIED TO CHARGE US FOR THE FOOD.

They did replace it with the not-so-delicious tofu version but actually still tried to make us pay.

In my drunken state, I think I said the following:

There is no way in fucking hell that I’m paying for something that I didn’t order and didn’t want to eat.

He took it off the bill but after he acted like WE were in the wrong for even suggesting that it shouldn’t be a charge.

Meanwhile, this has happened before (and I expect it, and I’m typically more careful when I haven’t been drinking for hours at a time) and THAT time? The waitress not only apologized a dozen times to the point where it was uncomfortable, she comped my WHOLE meal, not just the food portion. It’s just decent customer service, you know?


As I’m typing this out… is this whole mix up a metaphor for my life?!?!!? 

I didn’t want the boring bland Asian food pretending to be something it’s not.


Maybe I need to be more honest with myself?

I mean, I’m not going back to meat but I don’t enjoy tofu – so why do I keep trying?

And I don’t like dating the Indian boys I’ve met –  so why do I keep trying?



I don’t know what my problem is. It’s almost like I prefer being single, but complain about not having anyone because that’s what I’m ‘supposed’ to do.

So I’ve “known” this guy in Philly for years. We met online on the Indian dating site but never actually met in person. Then apparently (I’d forgotten about this) we reconnected when his parents placed his matrimonial ad in a paper, and my parents answered, but still never met in real life.

We’ve basically just texted a few times a year, mostly during football season, for years.

But a few weeks back, when I was in Philly for a conference, we finally met.

Not only did we meet, we had an 8 hour date – we spent all Sunday together. During that time, I accidentally drank a bottle and a half of wine, by myself, and managed to puke all night before I presented at a conference the next day. I’m classy and professional. Luckily, no after-effects and my presentation went great.

Anyway, back to the guy – so I was drunk, he’d been drinking… and not a move. Not a kiss on the cheek, not a hand hold, not anything.

And the worst part? I didn’t care!!!

It’s been like 2 years since I’ve been laid (so depressing) and I DIDN’T CARE! That’s not a good sign…

So we’ve been chatting on the phone since we met, and he very forthrightly asked me the other night:

“…So now that we’ve met, I was just curious if you wanted to keep talking? See where this goes?”

My response:

“… ummmm. Yeah, sure, why not. I mean, it’s not like there’s a reason not to. I guess we should just see what happens.”


Here is this guy, who by all accounts is everything I should want and what I say I want: educated, smart, nice, attractive, fun, drinks, eats meat (yes, that’s weirdly important to me), is interested in me, is the same type of Indian, speaks the same language, has a job, works out, and proactively calls/texts.


If some guy said that to me, I would be SO PISSED.  He wasn’t even angry! He just kind of laughed and said, “Great! Let’s see what happens!”

So yeah. It’s most definitely ME. I’m my own problem.


So last week, my trainer brought his little girls with him while we worked out (I LOVE when they come… they make training so much more joyful!) – anyway, his older daughter is 6 and as we were setting up to get started she asks me:

Is there a Mr. Currylove?

Me (taken aback):

No! There’s not. I”m not married and don’t have kids either. That’s why I can afford to pay your dad. 😉

(I don’t think she got the joke…)


Do you have a boyfriend?

Me (taken even more aback):

No. I don’t. HOW do you know what a boyfriend even is?!?!?!


Our teacher had a picture on the smartboard and someone asked who it was and she told us it was her boyfriend.

Ok, so I don’t even know what a smartboard is, but why is their teacher discussing her boyfriend? She couldn’t just say friend? Call me a prude, but I think that’s just inappropriate in the first grade. Hmph.


SO THEN… last night, I went to a party at a friend’s place.  Ended up chatting to their married neighbor, and I mentioned how much dating in this city sucks.

He turns me around and says:

You’re not fat. You’re not ugly. You’re clearly smart. The problem is you, because you should have like 7 guys on your roster.




So, what are you doing wrong?

And he’s right – it has to be me because it can’t always be the guy… but I DON’T KNOW what I’m doing wrong.

I try to be open. I try to be understanding. I try to get past differences… but even all of that doesn’t seem to be helping.

A little earlier in the night, another friend of a friend, a mechanic, had been hitting on me and asked for my number. So, in the spirit of openness, I gave it to him, but already I hoped he wouldn’t call.

Honestly… he’s not my type physically. He’s not ugly, but he’s not my type. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him, so what’s the point?

And it’s already too much with the “sweetie” and “baby” and kisses on the cheek. Just ewww.

Seriously, I shouldn’t already be grossed out by this guy touching me if I’m planning on actually going to dinner with him. That’s just mean on my part.

The only thing that made me super excited was he said,

Do you know you look just like Salma Hayek?

I DO! I DO KNOW! I like it when other people in their drunken haze realize it too. 😉

And then… he says to me,

So, just to be honest, money’s kinda low right now so we’ll have to go somewhere cheap for dinner.

Here’s the thing, that doesn’t bother me really, for a date. But for the long run? No. That’s not acceptable.

So, yeah. It is me. I’m obviously doing something wrong, but I don’t know what the fuck it is — because there was a smart/cute/single guy at the party.



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