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So after a bit of a drought with Match, I had two dates this weekend. And they couldn’t have been any more diverse… Muslim boy on Saturday afternoon, and an Irish guy on Sunday night.

I met the Irish guy last night at a local steak/sports bar, and he’d taken the train over (MARTA is smarta!) which I thought was cool. I never take MARTA anywhere, not even the airport. But it’s such a Euro-thing to do, right? Public transportation is so great, if you actually use it. I do not.

One of the last times I rode MARTA some cracked out old woman was trying to sell us drugs and didn’t have any underwear on. I was scarred for LIFE. Seriously. It’s hard to “just ignore” someone when they’re yelling at you and also displaying goods which may or may not be for purchase. She didn’t say.

Anyway, back to my date! I was not just impressed with his desire to reduce pollution and not drink and drive but also his Irish brogue. So cute!  Physically, not really my type but I figured I could just close my eyes and listen to him talk if it came down to it…

I got there about 5 minutes late, and he was already half a beer down. Sadly, not drinking Guinness as I thought he would be, but Heineken.

Fast forward 4 hours (after discussing work, telework, the Euro, the economic collapse associated with the Euro, maths, liquor, Irish bars, work again, living in the States, living in Ireland, some long pauses with no chatting) and we’re both a few drinks in. Except he can drink 2 for every 1 of mine, so he’s basically put down a 6-pack. Plus the last couple of rum and cokes that I ordered, I couldn’t actually finish because they were all rum and I did have to drive – so he drank them. All the while telling me how rum and cokes are his favorite drink too – I think he was excited about the ‘kismet’ of that, but come on. It’s just that rum and coke is a hard drink for a bartender to fuck up, so it’s the easiest one to have on stand-by.

Basically, he was, as they say in the Emerald Isle, pissed. Or, as we say here, drunk off his ass. (What is, “Irish Stereotypes for $1000”, Alex??)

I ordered some food to help soak up the alcohol, but he wouldn’t have any. Guess it would’ve got in the way of his buzz. And then, as I watched him stumble to the bathroom, I knew I couldn’t leave him to take public transport home – the half-naked, drug-selling women would’ve just taken advantage of him.

So I went to use the restroom myself before we left and came back and he started swaying his way towards me, and I saw that his card was still sitting in the bill-fold (I’d offered to contribute, but he said no) – so I said, “Oh, they haven’t run your card yet?”

And the bartender pulls out his card and his copy of the bill and hands them over. Oh, they’d run it, and he was about to walk out of the bar without his credit card. Honestly, I have no clue if he signed the bill or left a tip. He didn’t even remember his card was still sitting there, in plain sight! I debated going back to see if he’d left a tip, but I honestly couldn’t be arsed. (I am super enjoying Brit slang, if you haven’t noticed).

So I drove him back to his place. And he was very sweet and very thankful about it and had forgotten his gate card for the pedestrian walk-way, so had to call himself from the car gate area and walked through that. Oy. I did totally wait till he was inside his complex before I drove off.  You know, I like to make sure my dates make it back home. I figure it’s the least I can do.

I would totally see him again, in a group setting, where I wasn’t responsible for his health and well-being. He’s fun and appeared to be surprised I was smart and conversant in many topic areas (Who is he meeting off match? Sheesh. I didn’t think anything we talked was that groundbreaking!). By the way – the accidentally (??) back-handed compliments I get from guys are just awesome. The Muslim boy told me: “Yeah, I got married young because I was too much into physical appearances. I don’t want to make that mistake again.”   Ummmmmmmmmmmmm…….. thanks, asshole.  Ok, I don’t even think he meant it the way I took it, but come on! Who says that on a first-date? I’ll just believe it’s because he’s out of practice.

Match Cost and recoup-ment:

After Saturday’s date, I had $54 left to recoup. Last night I had an appetizer and 3 drinks, about an average of $9 each, so that’s $36.

Only $18 left to get back.  Also, just for a disclaimer:  This is just me being tongue-in-cheek. I always offer to contribute and I mean it – I have no problem splitting the cost. I know these guys are in the same boat I am in terms of having paid for Match, and I appreciate it a lot when they treat it like a “real” first date, and not just some internet-assisted meet-up, which is what it is.

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So as you know, I’ve been on Match.com for a bit…. and I had my first date from it t0day.

He’s Muslim (not so great for me, considering I’m Hindu) but I figured I’d give him a shot. We met for coffee and he’d texted about how he was looking forward to it.

We meet up, he’s cute, fit, a bit shorter than me in heels and divorced with four kids.

YES. DIVORCED. WITH FOUR KIDS.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Apparently, he didn’t feel the need to disclose that in his profile, because ……. he knew no-one would want to deal?

It came out piece by piece, and he was clearly not wanting to chat about it, but there was no way in fucking hell I was going to let it go either. First, the divorced part came out: “Yeah, I’ve been divorced about 2 years.”  Me: “Oh, how long were you married?”  Him: “12 years.”  Me: “Oh…………so…………… are there any kids??” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Um….. how many?” Him: “4.”

Me: “Oh……………. ummmmmmmmmmmm. How old?”

Him: “They range from 11 to 3.”

Me: “Wow. That sucks that you guys got divorced. The poor kids.”

Ok. That may have been a super shitty thing to say, but come on! His youngest is THREE. They got divorced when he was ONE. THAT BLOWS.

At the end of our date, he says: “I’d love to see you again.”

I said: “Sure, but clearly, this is not going to work romantically, so it would be just as friends.”

Honestly, I cannot even lead him on. What’s the point? This was going to go nowhere and he had to know that. And truthfully, I would like to be friends with him – he’s outdoorsy, does off-roading in his jeep, does hiking and kayaking. There are actually things I do like about him as a person, but just not as a partner. And I apologized for being blunt, but I didn’t want to pretend this was going to be anything. He seemed to appreciate it, and we talked about going off-roading sometime in the fall to see the leaves change color.

In his jeep. That has a car-seat in the back.

Sigh.

And how did I get to the point that women are gross, again? Because I met up with my friends for drinks after my date. And after drinking a few myself, I had to pee. So I went to the “lady’s” room and it smelled like someone puked in there. Know why? Because someone puked in there. And turns out, they puked all over the little trash can that was in the stall that I went into, I just didn’t see it before I sat down to pee.

Seriously women. If you have to throw up, choose a place where no one else has to see or smell it. What is fucking wrong with you? GO OUTSIDE.

I hate my own gender at times, more than I can express.

And I hate the opposite gender, for various reasons.

Basically, I hate everyone.

Oh. And. I decided I want to recoup my stupid payment for 3 months worth of match, which cost me $60. I only had  a hot-chocolate today, so that’s $6 down – only $54 left to get back.

This is the exact conversation I just had with my dad, who had just gotten off the phone with my youngest uncle:

Dad (hearing some music in the background when chatting to his brother): What are you listening to?

Uncle: Pandora on the iPad.

Dad: Pandora? Why do you use that?? Didn’t {your son} teach you how to use youtube?

Uncle: No, what? What’s this youtube? I don’t know that. He didn’t show me that!

Dad (SUPER proudly to me): So then, I taught him how to use youtube and now that’s all they do instead of that dumb Pandora. I can’t believe {his son} didn’t teach that. Useless kid.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Mind you, my dad is 65+ and his brother is 55+ and my dad truly believes he has to educate everyone he meets about youtube. It’s his greatest internet discovery EVER.  And this was their conversation. They’re seriously adorable.

 

Today’s conversation started while I was in the car – Dad called and said he couldn’t get to his email on his computer (his other one died about a month ago, and he’s been world wide web-less since then). Anyway, of course my dad uses Juno… He’s so internet old-school it’s awesome. I told him I’d call back when I got home:

Dad: “I can’t open my email”

Me (after logging into Juno as him to mirror what he sees): “Do you see your inbox?”

Dad: “Yes, but I click on it and nothing happens. I’ve been trying for three hours. I can get on youtube. I can get on cnn. I can do everything but email. SOMETHING is blocking it. I called for help but they put me on hold for 30 minutes so I hung up.”

Me: “Ok… I hit the inbox link and … OOOOOOOOOOH! I GOT IT! YOU HAVE A POP UP BLOCKER IN PLACE!” (because apparently, Juno thought the inbox needed to open in a new window)… “Ok, right click on the inbox.”

Dad: “Right click???” (a few seconds go by…then a few more… then a few more…) “Ok, I did – now what do I do?”

Me: “Where it says ‘open new tab’, click on that”

Dad: “Right click? Or left click?”

I got him through the rest of how to open his email and he was SOOOOOOOO excited, I even got a “Thank  you!” which made me giggle.

In the past 30 minutes, I’ve got american express spam from him and emails relating to my brother’s wedding. He’s baaaaaaaaaaack … and will soon be emailing parents all over the world to try and get me married  😉


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