currylove

Posts Tagged ‘marriage

I’ve always prided myself on being self-reliant. For more than 10 years… Nobody needed to take care of me, I could do it myself. I would never rely on anyone else to pay my debts. I am such a strong woman. I take care of everything: the garbage disposal that doesn’t work? I fix it. The hallway light that needs to be replaced? I do it. The circuit that breaks? I take care of it.

And then, I found out today, that my brother’s paid off some of his fiance’s student loans. WTF. Seriously. What. The. Fuck. She got those loans by earning a degree, that her parents should have helped with or prepared her for. But lucky her… she got my br0ther for ‘better or worse’… he’s willing to give her a 2K ring. A 5-digit honeymoon. And apparently some help on her fucking student loans.

I’ve never been needy. I’ve always taken care of myself. I’ve always done what I can for my own. And yet, here I am, alone. Nobody wants me. Nobody loves me. It didn’t matter that I voluntarily paid my own way for anything. I have no-one. There’s no one when I come home. There’s no one to tell me I’m pretty. There’s no one to hold me when I sleep.  There’s no one to wipe my tears away. There is no one that cares about how I feel. There’s no one to love me.

And she… this girl who is 10 fucking years younger than my brother,wh0 couldn’t take care of herself,  gets whatever she wants.

Should I have played the same games of need and want? Honestly, I don’t think I could  have. It would have killed me to pretend to want someone or need someone when I knew I could do it myself.  I thought British was great because he loved me for who I am. Ha ha ha. Big fucking joke that turned out to be.

I would have been better off pretending to be helpless. Look at the Duchess of Cambridge… she did whatever she needed to land a prince.  She waited 10 years for him to propose and she got exactly what she wanted.

I worked hard, I got my masters degree that I paid for (through loans, that I paid back), I bought my own condo with my own money. And what did it ever get  me?  Fucking nothing.  I’m underwater on my mortgage. I’m alone. I’m in my mid-30s. And I have not one damn thing to show for it because I didn’t play the game right.

So here I am. So strong sometimes and so worthless at others. I never wanted it to be with this way. I have had so many guy friends tell me that I am exactly what they want, but they go on to marry and be with the exact opposite. They marry girls that are 20 years younger, that don’t speak the language, that are completely okay with being dependent on them.

So maybe I should have been stupid and willing to take what I could get and not worry about being a strong girl. Cause there seems to be no reward for it.

I’m alone and broken and just wanting to be loved and I can’t find it.

Maybe I should have been the Disney princess who needed to be saved, instead of trying to save myself?

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My cousin’s wife had called a few days ago with an email of a boy who is also “looking” to get married (this is how the connections work – someone knows someone who knows someone who has a son that is around my age and well educated and here’s his email or phone – basically I end up having to ‘cold-call’ these boys who may or may not know their information is being handed out). I had forgotten about it until I talked to dad today:

  • Dad: “Did you email him?”
  • Me: “Um… I’ll do it tonight.”
  • Dad: “Damnit! You kids take so much time to do everything. The longer you wait, the more it seems you’re not interested.”

At this point, he went off on a 3 minute rant but I held the phone away from my ear so I couldn’t actually hear what he was saying but knew when he was done so I could properly respond. So, three minutes later:

  • Me: “Ummmmmmmmmm… ok ok. I’ll email tonight”
  • Dad: “Do it right now! Send me a copy so I know you did it!”
  • Me: “DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY! I’m not copying you on anything. AND I’m heading into walmart!”
  • Dad: “So, go in a corner and send the email.”  (This made me giggle)
  • Me: “You know I don’t have an iphone. Are you gonna buy me one??”
  • Dad: “I’ll buy you one as a wedding gift if you marry him. I’ll even buy him one. We’ll get two iphones if you just get married!”

We were both laughing at this point, so that was good. And this isn’t the first time they’ve resorted to (nonincentive) bribery that has failed.  In any case, I just got home and the first thing I did was email the boy.  Let’s see how long it takes for him to respond.  Hmph!

On the flip side, at least my parents didn’t ask about Z!!!!  When I chatted with mom this weekend, she did tell me again that my dad is mad at me because according to him, Z WANTED TO GET MARRIED and it was me that was holding this back… uhhhhh yeah.  Not talking to me for months, barely calling when we were chatting and NOT BOTHERING TO LET ME KNOW HE LEFT THE COUNTRY!!! are all super clear indications that he wants to be with me till death do we part.

What. The. Fuck.

Mom called just as I was leaving the gym – she gave me some family gossip and we were just chatting and laughing about some stuff. Then she goes, “How are things going with Z?”

I told her the truth – that he called a few days ago and I need to call him back. I’m in no rush partly because I just don’t give a fuck and partly because he took his sweet time getting in touch with me, why should I be in such a hurry?

But then she said, “You have to hurry up – this is causing a lot of problems between me and your dad. He thinks it’s your fault you two haven’t progressed and I defend you, then he yells at me.”

I asked how he thinks this is my fault and she said “He just thinks that. Like your uncle said, any boy that doesn’t want you – it’s his loss. But you need to hurry and figure this out. Now that Z has a job, he might be ready.” And then she got another call, so we hung up.

Fucking hell. I already feel guilty every day that I’m not married. Not for me but for them. And I knew it caused problems between them, because she’s told me before. But I’d kinda hoped they were over that. I guess not.

I don’t know what they expect…well, I do, actually. They expect that by summer I’ll be married. I guess it’s possible. I may never be happy, but at least I’ll be married.

The love affair between my dad and Z’s dad continues (Arranging Marriages).

Z did email me last week, finally, after 2 months. I haven’t emailed back yet – what’s one week after it took him 2 months? Honestly, I don’t think he’s interested (I think at this point he just does what he has to do to get his parents off his back) and I’ve lost any interest I had as well. Since our 8-hour date 4 months ago, we’ve talked approximately 3 times. This whole thing is being pushed along by our parents (actually, just the dads), who clearly have nothing better to do.

So per the last post, my dad had emailed his dad saying I hadn’t heard from him. My dad got a response back today: “… .Z tells me he has written to CurryLove. I think we should speed them up. I know everybody is busy. Once he is back home they can meet more frequently.”

His father is as delusional as mine. There is nothing to speed up!!!! I don’t know how many more ways I can point this out, but it’s a waste of breath to keep trying so basically now I just say nothing and sigh very deeply every time my dad brings this all up. Also, WE DON’T LIVE IN THE SAME CITY!!! Soooo — I don’t really understand how his being home helps anything. But again, whatever.

As for Z, it turns out he’d been traveling the past few months – to some place that had no internet? To somewhere on this planet that is so remote that he couldn’t find wifi? To somewhere where he was cut off from all communication and there was NO WAY he could’ve ever sent an email to say hello if he’d wanted to?? Um, no. He was in Europe.

In his email, he had a pic attached of his site-seeing adventures and jauntily asked at the end: “Can you figure out where I was?”  What the fuck – do I look like I want to play “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” after two months of silence?

Boys are so dumb – all of them – in one way or another.

So as I’ve said before, I am way too old to not be married – this is according to everyone. I should have teenage children by now if I’d done things ‘right,’ like my parents had wanted. But I didn’t. Not for lack of trying, but nothing’s ever clicked for me. And obviously with what prompted this blog in the first place, when it does ‘click,’ it still doesn’t work out. So here I am, still single, and it drives my parents crazy. Like, honestly, I think it’s making them insane.

My parents had introduced me to this boy (let’s call him Z) through proper Indian connections – his dad’s brother lives in the same town as my parents and we’ve known them for years. They thought we’d be a good match, so his aunt called my mom to ‘introduce’ us.  We emailed a bit, chatted on the phone occasionally and finally set up a meeting. This all happened while British and I were still whatever we were. British still had his girlfriend so even though I felt guilty about it, I figured I shouldn’t hold out for him. I guess deep down I always knew. Anyway, Z wanted to meet up on Labor Day, but since I was headed off for my Scottish adventure of sex and love (but no haggis), I had to put him off.

Finally, we met up and had an 8 hour date. 8 HOUR DATE. On British’s birthday. Which kind of makes me giggle now. So for 8 hours, breakfast through dinner, we worked our way through the city. There wasn’t a lot of upfront chemistry but we had a lot in common and conversation wasn’t that difficult. I dropped him off at the airport to make his connection and we parted ways, with just a hug, and talked about maybe meeting up again.

Z was moving, going to be out of a job (of course, because, why wouldn’t he be?) and was passing through ATL on his way home. I told him we could do dinner or he could crash here on his way if he wanted, and that was our last conversation. We didn’t talk again after that, which was fine. He clearly wasn’t that interested and I wasn’t going to chase him.

My parents and his parents, on the other hand, are massively interested in us getting married. My mom asked about him last week and I told her the truth – I hadn’t heard from him in about 6 weeks. Two days ago, on the phone with my parents, my dad checked his email and had one from Z’s dad which said he hoped all was well with us and that Z had found a job.  Ok, good for him, right? Not so much.

Here is our conversation:

Me: That’s nice.

Dad: So you know what this means, right?

Me: What?

Dad: His dad is sending a signal that they’re interested.

Me: Sigh. Right Dad. THEY are interested, not HIM. He told me he doesn’t want to get married any time soon. Very clearly. This isn’t like it used to be with Indian boys – they don’t just say yes because they have to or their parents like someone.

Dad: No, YOU don’t understand. He didn’t have a job, of course he wasn’t interested.

Dad & Mom together: ALKJHREU:LSGH:DH{OFASWrHRhe:Gh   (this is all I hear when they both talk at the same time, because they like to pick up both of the mobile phones and speak and it’s this racket of just noise but nothingness, all at once)

Me: What? I can’t hear either of you.

Mom: Now he has a job and can get married.

Me: Are you listening to me, at all?? HE IS NOT INTERESTED.

Dad: I am emailing his dad back and saying he should email you.

Me: Ok. Fine. Whatever.

Dad: No, this is why you’re not married because you don’t listen.

Me: I DID LISTEN! WE TALKED! WE EMAILED! WE MET IN PERSON! I INVITED HIM HERE, HE NEVER RESPONDED! WHAT MORE CAN I DO????? (yes, i was yelling)

Mom: But now that he has this job, his next job can be Atlanta and he can move there, because that will be his next step, and you guys can be together.

(SIDENOTE:  **It was at this point I realized how, in my head, I was married to British and living in Edinburgh and then moving somewhere in Africa (southern or eastern only, of course) and having halfie babies in the bush. Because I am my mother.)

Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????

Mom: You never know.

Me (thinking to myself): Holy fuck.

Dad: I’m going to go visit his dad.

Me: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?DON’T GO!

Dad: To get you married. Enough’s enough. You don’t listen. If you’d listen to us, you’d be married.

Me: Yeah, and miserable. Why would I….

Dad: WHO SAID YOU’D BE MISERABLE? WHY DO YOU ASSUME THAT?!?!

Me (thinking to myself): Because everyone I fucking know is miserable.

Me (completely defeated but out-loud): Ok. Fine. Go visit them. Have fun.

Me (thinking to myself):  1) Why don’t you and his dad just get married since you like each other so much? Jesus. Gay marriage is legal in some states now. 2) Dad needs a hobby, and getting me married can’t be it.

I can’t even argue this anymore so they can do whatever they want. I will keep you all posted on how this plays out. I’m sure after my Dad visits (I don’t know if my mom will go), Z will absolutely want  to marry into my family.

Also, to those of you who read this and aren’t Indian, this probably seems archaic, but the thing is, these types of marriages (based on commonalities instead of love) have worked for centuries. And I’m not going to argue the merits of one over the other in this post, but you just have to know that they’re doing this out of love. My parents want nothing more than to see me HAPPILY settled. And I argue with them about it, but at the end of the day, we all really do want the same thing – for me to be happy with someone who I will be with for the rest of my life. It is the duty of Indian parents to make sure their daughters are married, because culturally, that is the only way we’ll be taken care of after they’re gone. This is my parents’ duty and until it’s fulfilled, they’ll feel like their job on this earth and in this life is not complete. So, really, my siblings should thank me – I’m just prolonging my marriage so that mom and dad are around forever. 😉

 


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