Posts Tagged ‘okcupid

As I’d mentioned in the last post, I had a date set up for tomorrow night from OkCupid right before I shut my profile down. But given the date was planned last week, I had a feeling it’d be cancelled (which was, honestly, fine with me).

Sure enough, I get the following text this morning:

“Hey! I need to cancel our date tomorrow, sorry about the late notice. Good luck with your search.”

Um… thanks? So I guess we’re not rescheduling… ever? Like he’s busy from now until the end of time? What the fuck is he doing? Getting married?

So I just texted back:

“No worries. I was kind of hoping we’d cancel. Take care!”

He gets points for not falling off the face of the planet, points deducted for being busy for the rest of eternity.

Jesus Christ you guys. Fuck. My. Life.



So while on my vacation, “The Bod” and I had a chatted a bit via text and we were supposed to see each other upon my return.

In the meanwhile, he was participating in this. Because, he is “The Bod” and that’s how he maintains his not-so-girlish figure. W.T.F. It sounded insane. He had to carry logs, carry people, wade through lakes (ewww), and generally haul ass all over the city, the whole time carrying 40 lbs of bricks in a backpack. At 1am. On the coldest night of the winter.

Who volunteers for this shit? Not just volunteers, but actually PAYS for it? AND WHY IS THAT PERSON DATING ME?!?!?!

Let’s face it – I’m active, but in a gym-based way. Being outside, to me, is just a way to die. I’m clumsy, so god knows I’ll fall off something and get stabbed by a tree. Or a bear will eat me. Or I’ll get stung and find out I’m allergic to bees and die of shock.

Ok, I’m being facetious, but still – me and Mother Nature are not BFF.

He, of course, doesn’t really know this about me because we’ve never had a reason to discuss it. And when I got back from vacation, this was our conversation:

Him: “The weather is supposed to be gorgeous this weekend…”

Me: “Uh huh… what are you getting at?”

Him: “Do you want to do something outside?”

Me (to myself): Fuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkk.

Me (to him): “Ummm… sure. What are you thinking?”

Him: “Want to go for a hike?”

Me (to myself): No.

Me (to him): “Sure!”

Him: “Great!”

Me (with some word vomit): “Can we do an easy one? Cause I suck at climbing things.”

Him: “How bad can you be at it? It’s just walking… outside.”

Me: “You don’t understand! I fall in my own house! Like a few months ago, I caught my pajama bottoms on my foot and fell face first on my floor. I can’t do that outside!!!”

Him: “Um… you’ll be fine. Besides, if you want, I can do it while carrying a log and some bricks.”

Me: “NO! That’s even worse because you’ll STILL be faster than me! I’ll be so embarrassed.”

So yesterday, off we went, on a hike. I had had diarrhea in the morning (different post) so really was hoping for something easy. Thankfully, it was fine. I didn’t have to poop during the walk, and we stopped at a nice little section of rocks and watched the water for a bit.

He came back to my place and we ordered in, I baked cookies (did NOT turn out so great) and we were in bed by 11. Yup. Exciting Saturday night.

So then came the sex. Obviously, we haven’t been hooking up that long, but I can already tell you EXACTLY how we’re gonna do it (not that I’m going to right here). There’s no variety. Not that it’s not fun, I totally enjoy it, but it’s the exact same. Every time. HOW CAN IT BE SO ROUTINE ALREADY??? I need to figure out how to change that… assuming there is a next time.

When he was leaving today, I asked if we were gonna do this again – it’s my standard question when we part ways. He said, “Of course” but we didn’t plan our next date. He just said, “We’ll figure it out.”

Fine. Whatever. I don’t want to be the one who pushes on this again and again. I’m assuming he wants to keep his options open, so I am too – just said yes to a guy on OkCupid who wanted to grab drinks. Why not?


So, I had my date with “The Bod” last Friday night.  We went to dinner and then came back to my place and had sex all night. Awesome. That’s my idea of a fantastic date. He left Saturday morning, because he had a kickball tournament. Because, of course he did. And he’s captain of his team. Because, of course he is. And he put on a BEANIE HAT before he left. Because, OF COURSE HE DID.

Seriously, at that point, awesome sex not withstanding, I almost kicked him out my place. WHO WEARS THAT SHIT?

Anyway, I have out of town plans for this coming weekend, so if we didn’t meet up this week,  we wouldn’t have seen each other for over 2 weeks –  so we decided to hang out tonight. We went to dinner, got drinks at a bar, and he took me back to my car (uh, yeah – strike 1 – why aren’t you picking my ass up for a date??? Why am I driving at all?? NOT IMPRESSED.). We made out for a bit, and then I asked (in my slightly possibly drunken state) if he was coming over.

Him: “No, I want to get to bed early.”

Me: “ummmmm… whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I don’t understand what you’re saying. You’d rather sleep than fuck me?”

Him: “Well, not always, but tonight yes. And I didn’t bring condoms.”



I am MORE than annoyed. And again, it brings out all my insecurities on WHY. What BOY wants to sleep instead of have sex? WHO IS THAT RESPONSIBLE?! HOW COME I AM MORE OF A MAN THAN HE IS?

Seriously. SO ANNOYED.

But also, kind of impressed. As I told him (and he laughed at), I don’t hear no often. So when I do… it’s a challenge for me. So now, we made plans to hang out two Sundays from now (he wanted to hang out earlier, but he’s got this stupid race where you have to carry bricks and logs and shit around, because OF COURSE HE DOES, and there was no way in fucking hell I was going to be the reason he doesn’t do well in that) – he can text me. He can chase me.

Oh… and… I did a little cyberstalking and found his ex-wife. All I can say is, I am a MASSIVE upgrade from what he had. Majorly so. And, like I told him tonight, I don’t beg (even though I totally did: “PLLLLEAAAAAAAASEE COME OVER!”) – so… it’s his turn to act like a guy, not mine. Chase me. Want me. Come see me.

It’s on.


The Bod and I had our date last night – he didn’t bail, followed through and showed up and we actually had a really great time. We stayed in (due to the rain), ordered some food and ‘watched’ the Grammys. (Uh, hello – Katy Perry’s boobs are RIDICULOUS. I mean, hot, but WHOA. You know the show was a bust (ha ha ha) when more people are talking about her dress/boobs than any of the performances. And why did J LO have that half-sheet on? How much do their stylists get paid, because I’m pretty damn sure I can do a better job for half the price.)

Anyway, to cut to the chase – we didn’t have sex, but not because of me. I totally wanted him to stay the night, but he had to get up early for work and was a responsible adult and left around midnight. Responsibility is so over-rated.

We did have another marathon make-out session. He is SO FUN to kiss. Like, I could do that for just hours … before we moved on to the really fun stuff.

Anyway, let’s face it you guys. I’m basically a boy.

His compliments to me: “You’re so pretty, I love your eyes, they’re amazing. Your lips are so soft.”

My compliments to him: “You should never wear clothes. Like, really you should just be naked all the time.

Him: “I think I’d be arrested.”

Me: “Have you seen your body? You’d be fine.”

After laughing about that, he did say that the time between when we’d seen each other was too long, and he didn’t want that large of a gap again. Ok, that’s sweet, but it’s his own fucking fault that it was 2 weeks. I told him that I’d been super pissed about him bailing, and that I had assumed he got what he wanted and was done.

Surprisingly, he looked offended that I would think that. But why wouldn’t I? I’m not psychic. And it’s the most rational explanation.

Anyway, we set our next date, for this coming Friday night.  I still have only about half faith that he’ll actually show up. I know I should trust him more than I do, but I don’t want to set myself up for getting hurt with expectations. So, I’ll play this like a guy – if he shows up, great. If he doesn’t, his loss.



Shorty and I were supposed to meet up the Friday night before New Years. I cancelled on him because I wasn’t feeling well and I just didn’t want to sit through a date with him. We rescheduled for Sunday.

Sunday comes and goes and I hear nothing from him. Monday night, after midnight, I get a “Happy New Year” text from him – I am sure he sent that to a thousand people, but I sent him back some well wishes: “Happy New Year to you too! What happened to Sunday? ;)”

I may have been massively drunk when I texted this.

He writes back – “Never heard from you. Assumed you weren’t up for it.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! I GET DAILY TEXTS ABOUT: his sister farting; his boss yelling at him; his fucked up dinner of skittles; his stupid job; his dentist ‘going to town in his mouth’.



Anyway, I texted him back: “Oh! Well, since I didn’t hear from you, I figured you weren’t interested.”

Him: “So… just mixed signals?”

I never wrote back to that so I guess the signals aren’t so mixed anymore.




Twas the night before Christmas and on my old phone

I started to hear the “You have a text” tone.

I picked it up, to see what it read –

And by the time I’d finished, I was holding my head.

“What?” you may ask, “to your eyes did appear???”

A message I received that was incredibly queer.

Shorty had texted his own family drama:

“My Sister just ripped a huge fart and my mother asked if someone was at the door. Fa la la la la.”

Dude. I don’t want to hear about it. Save it for your mama.




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