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Posts Tagged ‘strippers

I finally saw Magic Mike today… I want my $9 and two hours back. HOLY HELL. How could a movie about hot strippers be so… boring? Lame? Stupid??

It turned out to be half-“Wall Street” and half-“Pretty Woman.”  Neither of which I was expecting. I don’t want my strippers to have feelings or thoughts. I WANTED NUDITY. LOTS OF IT. That is what strippers do:  STRIP THEIR FUCKING CLOTHES OFF.

Instead, I got a morality tale of why you shouldn’t sell or do drugs, and a lame “love” story.  Also, I lived in Tampa for a few years — nobody looks like the people in this movie, they’re all fat in real life.  And, Mike’s place in the movie? WORTH MILLIONS. You’re telling me a stripper can afford beachfront property? Um no. I’ll suspend disbelief for some things, but not THAT.

There’s a male strip club here in town (full nudity), which caters to the gay crowd and can be downright hostile to girls walking in on their own. They apparently believe women won’t tip as well… wonder if this stupid movie will change their mind? Also, they usually keep their socks and shoes on.  Do you know how odd it is to see a guy take of all his clothes, except the things that should come off first? And, no velcro tear-away pants. None.  There are no props, per the movie. It’s just boys, their normal clothes, and then their normal clothes coming off.

In any case, years ago, it was my first visit there and by the end of the night I was chatting with one of the strippers, who was actually really smart and fun to talk to – he ended up asking me out, but basically forced me out the door, saying he’d get in trouble if management saw him talking to me, because it would take away the money they expect from the gays. Whatever.

Let me be clear, I never did anything with him – mostly because he admitted he was “gay for pay” – turns out the dancers are mostly straight, but for the right amount, are willing to do certain things. He said all he ever let this older guy do was “touch him”… yeah, right. I’m sure the old guy touched him with his mouth.

The date was fine but really all I wanted to do was talk about stripping, the money he made, how much he liked it, and he didn’t. As Magic Mike says in the movie: “That isn’t all of who I am.”  Are you kidding?  That’s the most interesting part, so that is what I wanted to discuss. We never had a second date, which was fine with me.

A second time we went, it was a group of girls, and we ended up accidentally buying a lap dance. Seriously. It was not on purpose – the DJ asked, “Who wants a t-shirt??” and my girlfriend, A, raised her hand and said she did. Who knows that’s code for a lap dance? Fuck. Not us! So the guy came down (was really cute) and asked who wanted the dance. We all looked at each other and said, “um… nobody”… and he said we took the shirt, so we got a dance.

Let me rephrase that. *I* got a dance. I had some naked guy swinging his medium-sized dick close to my legs. I honestly couldn’t even look, I was blushing. But I also couldn’t look up, because I didn’t want to make eye contact. Basically I looked like a crazy person trying to avoid eye and penis contact.

He goes: “You’re too sexy to be shy – why won’t you look down?” And I responded: “Because I don’t know your name and your penis is reaalllllllllllllllllly close to my jeans, and I’m kinda freaking out.”

He was actually very sweet and backed off. Finished the dance and off he went to the next round. Oh yea… we also didn’t realize we had to pay him – that took us about an hour to figure out, but he never asked us for the money straight out.

Anyway, as I was walking by this table of VERY cute men, they stopped me and go: “Honey, did you see how excited he was dancing for you? He totally liked you.”

OMG. HE HAD A HARD-ON WHILE DANCING FOR ME.

I was mortified. And kind of proud. Turned out the whole fucking club saw and I was the only one who didn’t notice, because I refused to look at his gyrating penis.

We ended up chatting with the guys from the table for most of the night. And then we ended up going home with them. 4 girls. 3 gay men. One stripper. (But not the one that danced for us, this one was so cute but sooooo dumb and had a crush on our other friend).

So we got back to the house and the gays were freaking out because they thought the stripper was going to steal something… spoiler alert: he didn’t. We ended up in the hot tub.

Ok. Let me just point out that I was really drunk at this point. And when A and I get together, we’re bad but SOOOO good and fun. It basically turns into: If you do it, I’ll do it and we both end up doing things we wouldn’t have if we were with other people. So me and one of the guys got in the hot tub first and waited for everyone to join us. I thought we waited about 5 minutes. Turned out it was a good half hour before anyone else got in.

So… the two of us… in the hot tub. He was REALLY cute. And REALLY naked.  And REALLY gay. And I only had on my panties. So maybe I felt him up a little bit….until we started chatting and I asked if he had a partner. Him: “Yeah, he is the one who just went to get beer. We’ve been together 17 years. I kinda love you.”

I dropped his dick out my hand pretty quick.

The rest of the night was a lot of fun… they were very gracious hosts and let us shower there, even gave us towels! We left and never saw each other again.

As it should be.

So there, Magic Mike. Two hours of my stripper stories would’ve been more entertaining than the shit we sat through today. Sheesh. Why isn’t Hollywood knocking on my door yet???

 

 

 

 

 

Had a friend in town and we hung out last night… he mentioned he hadn’t been to Clermont Lounge (site of the infamous chili‘s story) in years, so I told him when I was there last, the bartender said Tuesday karaoke is the best night to come. He was up for it, so off we went.

We were chatting at the bar and he said his last visit to a strip club was September, when he’d gone on an all-boys trip. I asked if his wife was cool with it:

Him: “Yeah, she’s ok with it.”

Me: “Really? I’m surprised she’s fine with you going to a strip club.”

Him: “Well, we’ve gone together before so I’m sure she’d be fine with it.”

Me: “Ummmmmm…. Wait. What?? You’re sure she’d be fine with it? So she’s not actually ok with it, she just doesn’t know????”

Him (kind of laughing at this point): “She didn’t say that I couldn’t go, so she must be ok with it.”

Me: “OH MY GOD! SHE DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GOING, HOW COULD SHE BE OK WITH IT?!?!? Not knowing doesn’t give you tacit approval to do things!!!”

His freaking logic is basically like saying, well my parents didn’t say I couldn’t do heroin, so it must be ok.  Dumbass.

I pointed out that now he could never tell her that he went because she’ll never believe nothing happened. AND he can’t tell her we hung out, because she for some reason thinks I’m trying to get in his pants, which I am not. And had I wanted to, I would’ve done that before they ever got together. Hmph. Anyway, he’s moving overseas to Europe soon and I told him how jealous I was – he said I had an open invitation to visit whenever I want. Ha! I’m pretty sure she’ll have a hotel reservation waiting for me when I show up – in the next town over.

Anyway, as we finished up the conversation, karaoke started and the strippers didn’t stop stripping. It really is kind of awesome. They totally love their bodies (droopy boobs, c-section scars, general old-ness and all), love their work, happily take it all off for $1 bills, and dance with so much pride and rhythm – some in proper heels, some in flip-flops. I wish I liked my job half as much as they like theirs.

Went out last night with a friend and we ended up at Clermont Lounge – go ahead and google it for pics. It’s fun and awesome and it brings together a varied crowd – yuppies, assholes, tatted up guys, black, white, asian, old, young.

The strippers, to put it nicely, are out of their prime. This isn’t where you go to find fancy pole work. 2 drinks cost $9.50 total. $9.50! That’s less than a lunch!!

Anyway, I was at the bar ordering a few drinks and put my purse down on the empty chair next to me. The guy that was there said his ‘girl was coming right back’ so I couldn’t have it. No worries, I told him, I just needed to get my credit card. I took my purse off the chair but we kept talking. He gave me a dollar to tip the stripper and I was about to hand it over but he stopped me. He told me I had to make her ‘work for it’ – and I said “what’s she gonna do for a dollar?” and he said he didn’t know but I couldn’t just give it to her.

At this point, his ‘girl’ came back so I just left the dollar on the bar. I thought it was inappropriate to tip a naked woman (although this one was in her 60s, fully nude and enjoying the song a lot) with money given to me by some random guy, in front of his female friend.

So it turned out this was probably one of their first dates because we overheard him a little bit later: “Babe, if we keep dating, I’ll take you to Chili’s.”

Just fucking awesome.


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